I thought it was going to subside this season, but in the last 24 hours it hit me like a brick.I have a shutdown complex, every year in December I let certain male friends know that I'll be going into the new year without them. It never fails, for me its just the perfect time to end something that wasn't really going anywhere anyway.
I figured I'd decide on Semipro before he left for his season so it would be the end of January. Everything had been going good, I was content with the way things have been progressing the past couple months, even though inside I felt that itch. The itch heightened when he was depressed last week about the AFL possibly going under. We talked for a while about his plans if he didn't play anymore. I saw a vulnerability in him that I've never seen before. But if there's no season that means the clock started to turn back to December for me subconsciously. I thought I had more time to decide what I wanted to do and now I may not.
Certain things now, that I have been content with, are starting to annoy the ish out of me. So I'm struggling with myself, as to whether or not I should give up on him or keep chasing pavement. Its crazy how one small thing he did last night, that most would have ignored, got my mind racing and wondering if I want to continue putting this much energy into something. That Mary J Blige song "Missing you" is exactly how I feel right now.
"I'm not in love, its just some kind of thing I'm going threw, going threw, going threw
and its not infatuation, ain't nothing going on between me and you, me and you, me and you
But I dream about it every niiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhht, baby
Wanting you here with meeeeeeeeeee"
But I don't want him here all the time. Just when I want him to be here. Like readily available when I need him to be. Writing this is making me feel like I may be power tripping. Maybe I am, but it was storming last night, and I wanted a cuddle buddy, and I chose him, so his arse should have been here.
Then I think of how close we got when I was out of town. The sweet texts he sent me. Then the mini argument we had via text where I ended it with "I don't care anymore, because nothing is organic and always seems forced anyway." He immediately picks up the phone and calls me "I just wanted you to know that it IS organic. I'll talk to you later." I thought I was going to melt. Its crazy how simple I am. The littlest things make me smile. Even though he never stays there... he always goes right back into his shell until the next time I doubt. Eb might end up in jail if he's been playing with my emotions. My tolerance level for that type of ish is no longer.
I haven't slept much... instead I have the following playlist on heavy rotation:
Adele - Chasing Pavement
Joe - Another used to be
Fantasia - Free Yourself
Meshell Ndegeocello - Fool of Me
Jazmine Sullivan - Break my little heart
Frankie J - Dont wanna try
Algebra Blessett - What Happened?
Jodeci - Lately (Live)
Monica - Getaway
Glenn Lewis - Its not fair
Tank - I hate u
Musiq - Mary Go Round
Nivea - Laundromat
Destiny's Child - Emotion
Anthony Hamilton - I Cry
Lauryn Hill - When it Hurts so Bad
Jimmy Cozier - She's all I got
Erykah Badu - Next Lifetime
Whitney Houston - Why does love hurt so bad
Avant - Sorry
Brandy - Almost doesn't count
Carl Thomas - I wish
R. Kelly - I can't sleep (If I)
Ideal - Get Gone
Beyonce - If I were a boy
Faith Evans feat. Mary J Blige - Love dont live here anymore
Anthony Hamilton - Love is so complicated
Sparkle - Be Careful
Tyrese - How you gonna act like that
Mario - Right and a Wrong Way (better than the Keith Sweat original)
Destiny's Child - No No No (Pt. 1 - Ballad version)
Every song emulates one of the vast emotions I am feeling right now. I think I'm finally tired of this situation. Then the fighter in me says I am just giving up because I am used to ish being so easy. Part of me cant decide whether or not I am struggling with how much I do like him, or if its just a challenge that I want to conquer and when I get to the top of that mountain I wont even want it anymore.
I'm starting to think that just meeting him was a lesson from God. That it isn't suppose to go any farther than it has. That God was just trying to give me a piece of my own medicine. I never thought I would meet someone more guarded than me. I never thought I was hurting anyone though, because I never played games, I was always honest, I always came out and said I'm just not that into you. I never thought that being guarded in itself, could hurt the other person or have them feeling a certain way about themself. I have definitely learned a lot about myself in this situation. So OK God, I learned my lesson. 2009 I will do better. Can you please tell him to stop playing and being so damn inconsistent. Either way, I'm never dating a Taurus again!
I know everyone is probably thinking I am crazy because I am not using specific examples... and I'll admit I am kinda crazy... but I can't put all my biz out there so I hope you get it. If not... I just needed to release this anyway so most likely you wont get it.
On the flip side... the chasing pavement is not only in my love life. Its also in my career. I haven't talked much about it but people that know me personally know that I left my corporate gig earlier this year. They were trying to move me to another state that I didn't feel was in my best interest so I took my severance package and left. Did some traveling all summer, got some must needed rest. I was content in my current state of entrepreneurship. I have been doing everything under the sun since I left. Event planning, content editing, freelance writing for websites, organizing promo tours for artists, freelance production work, helping out with professional athlete foundations, the list goes on.
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On the flip side... the chasing pavement is not only in my love life. Its also in my career. I haven't talked much about it but people that know me personally know that I left my corporate gig earlier this year. They were trying to move me to another state that I didn't feel was in my best interest so I took my severance package and left. Did some traveling all summer, got some must needed rest. I was content in my current state of entrepreneurship. I have been doing everything under the sun since I left. Event planning, content editing, freelance writing for websites, organizing promo tours for artists, freelance production work, helping out with professional athlete foundations, the list goes on.
Though I like the diversity and having the opportunity to do a lot of things...
I miss having the stability.
I miss not having to look at my bank account.
I miss traveling.
With my entrepreneurial spirit I thought I'd never say this, but I miss getting up and actually going to work everyday in an office.
I hate stalking the mailbox to see if a check came in the mail from one of the above.
I hate not being able to spend how I used to and as much as I wanted to on any given day.
I hate living on my laptop and blackberry looking for that next gig.
I hate having to defer my student loans until I do have a 9-5 again because I want to go ahead and get them suckers paid off.
With my entrepreneurial spirit I thought I'd never say this, but I miss getting up and actually going to work everyday in an office.
I hate stalking the mailbox to see if a check came in the mail from one of the above.
I hate not being able to spend how I used to and as much as I wanted to on any given day.
I hate living on my laptop and blackberry looking for that next gig.
I hate having to defer my student loans until I do have a 9-5 again because I want to go ahead and get them suckers paid off.
I know God won't put more on me than I can bear, but I just feel like if one or the other was stable (either my career or the relationship that isn't really one) that the one that isn't wouldn't bother me as much. Both being dull at the same time is making me numb to a lot of ish. Not one aspect of my life is balanced right now and its breaking down my spirit a little bit. Especially since the opportunities out there are hella slim. So many of my friends are being laid off this holiday season. Go to any media giants job site and you will see no job openings listed. They are all on hiring freezes.
I'm optimistic though, that the shine will be mine in '09. Both in my love life and in my career! I keep trying to convince myself to be "fearless of the shadows because that means there's a light nearby," but its so damn hard. I need a drink!
34 comments
I feel you Eb..."the shine will be mine in '09"...that's real darling!!
Stay strong in your faith. Everything will work itself out. It is plain to see that you are beautiful, talented and intelligent. The right man will present himself and the right job is around one of them corners..Keep hittin the pavement girl.
Jeesh Eb, that's a heavy list to be on rotation. Just remember, some people aren't meant to stay in our lives, they are really here to to get us to the next stage, or they are the connection to the people we are really supposed to meet. Enjoy them for what they are and what they bring to the table.
Hang in there. Its hard to make certain decisions because there is the fear that you might make the wrong one. Been there, still there!
In the love department, maybe you should evaluate what you really want. I mean what you REALLY want and just go for it. If ol' boy has "that thing" that you want to remain in your life then just give it a bit more time and maybe a bit more communication. If not, it may be time for somebody to kick rocks.
I ain't got no comments in the career area because I am about to doing the same thing you are doing in a couple months as I get the hell outta school and into a world where the state doesn't pay your rent, lol.
Good luck girl.
chasing pavement is my JAMMMMMMM
but BOOOOOOOOO to frankie J!! barf barf barf
ur beautiful, toots
and i'm drunk. i'll be back!!!!!
:D
Chasing Pavements is apart of my everyday rotation. It is the jam!!!! I agree with Shae, that list will keep u in the corner bombarded with ur emotions.
As for your love life, you just gotta keep it 100 with urself. If you know that ole dude scratches the heck outta that itch, then it is what it is. But definitely know that what you leave behind in 2008 can't compare to the potential of what you'll experience in 2009.
~Going for mines in 09~
C1k
I love that playlist you have on "heavy rotation" lol....but I wanted to ask you if you know about any internships I could get in event planning/pr...I ask because you seem to have your feet wet in the industry...I look forward to your response
Sounds like you like the fella Eb...I remember one year I changed my voicemail to say something like ..If I haven't returned your call I have moved into the new year without you..or something crazy like that... WOW...but you know there 's this one guy I say that about every year...LOL
Go B.
PS. I can barely see that purple font EB.
Hey girl! That is a pretty heavy list of songs, I have t agree with Creative 1, those songs will not help you free yourself from the emotional corner.
As for the relationship do not set a time at the end of the year for things to happen, just let it happen. Love is not something we can control or put a limit on, that is how you end up depressed and listening to those sad songs.
Career, that is easy. See if you can find a part-time gig that offers you some stability but still allows the flexibility!
It will all work out in the end Eb, your faith will make sure of it. I know how you feel though, its like if the relationship was going the way you wanted then you could deal with everything else better, or the other way around. Sometimes I think well damn if my career is not where I want it to be then I could at least have a good relationship, but it doesn't always work that way. Follow your heart..and have a drink on me..lol.
i heart ur blog! i never know what i'm gonna get when i stop by here. wish i wasn't so b/z & i would come by more often. i hope things get better for you in both your relationship & career. you seem like the type that won't stop until you get what you want, so i'm sure things will work out in your favor. plus, you have God on your side and you already know He will work this out for you :)
I can so feel you on that guarded issue because i just had a talk with my boyfriend/homie with benefits about that same thing ...I didn't know i was that guarded that it made him uncomfortable i mean i don't mean to i just do it to make sure i don't get hurt again
and pavement dope song
You strike me as a kitty that always lands on her feet.
The right job is coming.
As for your love life, how you gonna plot on dumping some one on the holidays?
Im not even that cold, and they call me Ice.
@Sentrell-hit me offline, whatever I can do to help I will.
@go b- the purple font is hard to read on the white background?
@f it - I set a time limit on it because it was about to turn into a long distance thing and you know that takes a helluva lot of work. Now that he might not be going anywhere I probably shouldn't put a parameter on it but that is just what I am accustomed to.
@clnmike- its not dumping if they aren't your BF and I always do it b4 the holiday so they don't waste a gift on me. Do you know a couple times they have still bought me something. One year it was lingerie... And you know he had the nerve to put in the card, I know I'm gon see you in this one day. Uuuhhh nope til this daý still hasn't. Dudes really have an ego about them when I say it, its weird, like they gonna prove something to me when I just aint interested.
Damn, one hell of a playlist. Just when I was looking for music to download too. That's besides the point, keep your head in the game EB.
It's gonna be alright EB...It's been my experience that things happen in a cycle...and if you feel that you've been on the worst end all this time...watch the best end come when it comes..The wheel just goes around..Start the new year with a new spirit and a new attitude.
I'm going to tell you something that you don't want to hear and that you'll probably dispute..But I think you're in love with Semi-Pro..I think you love him and it scares you that you do...That's why you push him away when you feel
YOURSELF getting too close to him.
It scares you because you can never be sure if he's as serious and you don't want him to hurt you.
(Could have used him last night couldn't you? ) See you're both Taurus and you're both so cautious and so much alike that you both do the same things to each other...You
both gotta work that out in '09.
That's what I honestly think..I hope you can glean something from that.
Good Luck to you..I know you'll land on your feet...I think you always have, always will.
I love Adele's Chasing Pavements.... Decisions Decisions. Take your time think it through.
Maybe you are right to think Semi-Pro won't be around forever and such.... The guarded person in me feels you on that sentiment, plus it does seem you guys go back and forth a lot and so on, he MIGHT be ok for casual but not for serious.. i say you give someone else a chance this year for a little bit and see if he demonstrates interest and seeks you out... I mean that seems to be what you want him to do anyways, non?
@Keith - Not "in love" in deep like and I do care about him a lot and yes its true that we're both really cautious about opening up... but I wont even go into what happened tonight that shows me that this situation is starting to soak up too much of my energy to even deal.
Boo, this post is the story of my life, especially the career section. I was just thinking about how I never stay at a job for longer than one to two years. What does that say about me? I still feel like I haven't found my career yet. I should have been at a job not close to 5 years and instead I'm hitting two in April at my current gig. I need to do better but variety is the spice of life. I'm just grateful these days to have a job.
Keep chasing the pavement. i'm glad you are seeing how God is working. It's such a joy and struggle trying to figure out exactly what he is trying to tell you.
I love Adele.
In my prayers girly. :-)
"I know I'm gon see you in this one day."
Lol, that was slick.
I'm sooo with you - but don't give up - please don't give up!
Some people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Go with your gut and I think you will find that you have made the right decision either wya. If it is that semipro can no longer be part of your life, TRUST that he was there for a reason (maybe for you to see some of your own ways in him and seeing what you can change about you OR that you, as a guarded person CAN open up). If he continues to be in your life, then maybe you want to see if you can bring the best out of each other.
In terms of your career, you're doing so many wonderful things that I think its going to all come together.
Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that that shine will be yours in '09.
But girl, we gonna have to do something about your playlist. Thinking about all those songs would have me looking for a building I could go jump off of.
I know it's the holidays and I don't want to be depressed, so why don't we add some house music and gangsta rap to that list.
Hey Eb!! I'm praying for you, lady and I know that everything will work out in your favor in due time! It's so crazy, because the exact words of your post title was my status message yesterday, and I downloaded the song the night before last. That song is hella relatable in my life right now. That heavy rotation list is on point too!!!
I really don't see what you are tired of except maybe being tied to anyone for any length of time. It sounds like the classic fear of commitment. Yep, you heard me right... you are afraid of commitment. Look into it:)
@malik-lol @ your playlist suggestions. I don't know about that but maybe I will add a couple holiday tunes. I'm really feeling that new Rihanna christmas song "without you" but then again I guess because its kinda moody as well.
@j.rockstar- so completely not me and furthest from the truth. Not afraid of commitment at all. Have been in committed relationships. Fickle about who I let get close to be yes but definitely do not fear commitment.
Ironically, I posted Adele's video yesterday...believe me, been there done that, got the t-shirt! But I believe all things work out eventually at their own pace.
i could relate in so many ways to the relationship aspect. at times i had to look away b/c it hit a little too close to home. anyway, all i can offer is that you pray about it. you'll get the answer to what you should do and why you're in this quasi-relationship. i think it's important to keep in mind that everything that's happening is happening for a reason. one day it'll all make sense....
Ok, so you aren't afraid of commitment. It sounded that way. However, after reading again I see it's just that you haven't revealed the specific problems with dude besides him being guarded. Plus, with the uncertainty of this economy any people problems seem exacerbated. Anyway, hang in there. We are all looking for a great 2009, especially us entrepreneurs.
It's funny how in some relationships, we just know exactly what needs to be done and we do it, no questions asked, we just do it!!! And then with others, we hesitate, we question, we wonder and so much precious time passes by before we finally make ad decision and we look back and wonder why it took us so long. All I can say is that you should pray about it, both the relationship situation and the job situation. I actually read already that you have decided so maybe you have prayed and seen the light. All the best to you and may 2009 bring you nothing but joy and blessings and prosperity!!!
((hugs))im late but i'm always late sooo
i must say i admire that you had the courage to sttrike out on your own. not many have the guts to do it.
whispering a prayer that you'll have some peace during this storm.
Oh Lawd! Eb are we dating the same man? I swear if i lived on the east coast, I'd be worried lol
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