2 nights in a f*cking row...

Whew I am so hot right now! It is 5:43 am. I just walked in the crib from the club and late night snack.

2 nights in a f*cking row Semipro has been in the same club as me. Mind you... before we stopped dealing with each other I hadn't seen him out in months. We were both always out but never ended up in the same spot. So why now?

Tonight... looking even more scrumptulous than last night. The difference though... tipsy that thinks she's sexy Eb was out tonight. Flirting, grabbing body parts every time he walks by. I felt my mind telling me to ignore the fact that he was there... but the liquor had me loose.

Do you know this fool went and talked to my roommate for about 20 minutes about "us." Told her how he felt about me and whatnot. Said he cares about me a lot but doesn't want to hurt me. WTF does that mean... and why the hell can you talk to my roommate about how you feel about me but not me. You and my roomie aren't even close like that and she is drunk as a skunk, like not even tipsy like me she is hella gone and yet your expressing all your feelings to her. Telling her not to tell me and yet of course she is... I mean really she has no loyalty to you and part of me feels like you knew she would come back and tell me. Like you wanted her to express to me what you wont.

So he calls me when I am leaving the club...only to ask me if I saw his best friend when he left because he has something of his. Are you serious dude, not that I was looking for a booty call because by the time I left the club I was sober and wouldn't gave him the time of day if he asked but that's all you have to say to me.

So we get to the Cafeteria to eat after and its like gay people central. A couple drag queens and everything. Luckily we got sat next to these 2 cool gay dudes that weren't excessively flamboyant. One of which was fascinated with my roommates boobs that were ridiculously poppin out of her shirt. They made me realize I need a gay friend. I have a problem with wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Actually, its always written all over my face how I feel, you never have to guess. It was blatantly obvious that I was pissed. One of them leans over and is like... what's the matter baby, you look mad. I sat there and poured my heart out to these strangers about the Semipro situation and they straight told me to put myself out there and see what happens.

So in the cab on the way home I opened myself up. Right now I'm glad I did even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I told him how I felt and that I wanted things between us to be more than casual. This time I was direct. I mean I've hinted at how I felt before but never brought myself to just say it. He replied that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. So that is that.

I still want the meaning behind "he doesn't want to hurt me." I couldn't ask him myself because then he would know my roomie dimed him out. I think I know though and have just been trying to avoid it. Part of me feels like he still has feelings for his baby moms. Like he feels indebted to her for how bad he played the hell out of her back in the day. Like he doesn't want to get close to anyone else because if she ever says she'll take him back he'll go right back to her in a quick minute just so he can have that happy family for his daughter. I don't have any evidence of this but its just a gut feeling I have.

Another part of me feels he thinks I would hurt him. He is always talking about the connections I have, had a heart attack early on when he found out I have a couple besties that play in the NFL, and sometimes even says that he has to get a dictionary when I am talking when I don't even think I use big words. He's even told me that he loves how ambitious I am. Part of me feels like he is guarding himself because he feels that I deserve a dude that is better off than him and probably can't believe that I don't care about the other bull ish and where he came from. I mean he grew up in the projects, never even thought he would continue to play ball after college, and is just now starting to figure out his career plan after football. I think he feels since he doesn't have all his ducks in a row that I would meet someone else who does and just ditch him so he'd rather just not get close.

Either way this situation is not going to get any easier. As of right now... we are strictly just friends... but now that the AFL is officially cancelled for the 2009 season... I'm sure I will be seeing more of him out and about over the next couple months when I thought dealing with this situation would be easy since he wouldn't be in the same city.

Part of me doesn't even want to push publish on this post because I am so damn tired of talking about him on this blog. Ugh... but if I didn't get this mess out I would drive myself insane. Comments will never be allowed on posts pertaining to him as an FYI... its mainly for me to vent and not for advice... Thanks readers... I'm OUT!
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