Day 1 - Dating Commandments...

So we always talk about the rules of dating. You remember that movie with Jamie Foxx "Breaking all the Rules" That movie was hilarious. Even though that was moreso about the rules of breaking up with someone... you get my point. Anyway, so I recently found these commandments to dating.


For women:
1 ) Thou shalt return calls promptly.
It’s important to return a gentleman’s telephone call within 48 hours on weekdays, or within 72 hours on weekends or holidays. Busy men become perturbed if they don’t hear back from you within that time frame. They will lose interest in you and move on to the next girl if you do not return their calls in a timely fashion.
2 ) Thou shalt honor thy dating commitments.
When a man calls you, he will offer you dinner, but you have the right to reduce the date to drinks, lunch, brunch, coffee, etc. However, If you suggest less than dinner, that sends the clear message that you are auditioning him and you don’t have time to share an entire meal with him. If you are marriage minded, know that this will turn off monogamous men. Please do not make other plans immediately following the date. He will notice if you are constantly looking at your watch, and he will be unimpressed. It’s important to remember that even if your date is not your dream guy, you are gathering information and experience, called Dating Data, that you will use on future dates with someone more to your liking.
3 ) Thou shalt let the man take the lead and shalt avoid bringing personal baggage to the table.
Let the man lead by suggesting a restaurant and making plans for the first date, but let him know in a gracious manner, if you would rather go to another establishment or do something else. In the beginning, it is best not to bring up any of your deep personal issues; he’'s not your therapist (and you’'re not his). This often happens when excessive alcohol and/or chemistry are present. Deep, personal history is simply too much intimate information for him to process in the beginning. If you want to be in a healthy, loving, committed relationship it is important to let the man lead the conversation in the beginning and ask the questions. Acquire all the information you can about him. The conversation should become a ping-pong match, with the gentleman serving and you responding with information about yourself when he asks.
4 ) Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, talk about any other romantic relationships.
Men don’t want to hear about their competition just as you don’t want to hear about yours. Focus on the date at hand. Men want to date trustworthy women in whom they can confide.
5 ) Thou shalt be engaging.
Respond to his questions with positive energy and enthusiasm, and stay on neutral subjects like the arts and current events in the beginning. Witty banter is very important. Ask interesting questions, be a good listener as well as an active participant, and get to know him. Eye contact is important, too ---
6 ) Thou shalt not complain.
Under any circumstances. If the date isn't going as smooth as planned, try to make the best of the situation while you are out. Everything isn't always going to be perfect. Having a negative attitude is the biggest turn off for a man no matter what the situation. So try to keep your cool. If it's something that really bothered you, address is later and not while out in public.
7 ) Thou shalt not be a gold digger
Never ask or hint for anything of monetary value. If a gentleman offers to buy you a designer watch or handbag or anything else of worth, you may accept --- but DO NOT bring up the subject.
8 ) Thou shalt act like a lady.
This means being polite and follow common laws of etiquette such as saying “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.” Do not cuss. Men admire, trust and respect women with good manners. This includes not chasing him by calling or emailing him excessively. Remember, however, that for you to be a lady, he must be a gentleman. A gentleman will ask you for a weekend date by Wednesday. If he asks you out for the weekend on Thursday or later, the ladylike thing to do is to schedule no more than Sunday brunch with him. Or if he really needs to be taught a lesson, schedule a Monday night dinner. A lady will not allow a gentleman to make last minute plans, even if he tells her he loves a spontaneous girl. If you accept out of eagerness, he will feel you are too easy, and will move on to someone who makes him work harder.
9 ) Thou shalt (if interested) express some interest.
Don’t play hard to get if you like him. A man likes genuine compliments just as much as you do (maybe even more) so don’t be afraid to tell him he’'s handsome, interesting or funny. Once you have decided you like a specific male and you have gone out with him four times, it is important to show your appreciation and reciprocate. But do not offer to outright pay for something: once a woman touches money/credit card in front of a male she becomes “masculine energy,” which is undesirable. But this does not preclude showing thanks by purchasing him a CD, book, theatre or concert tickets, just don’t do it in his presence. Offering to cook a meal for him is an exceptional, appreciative gesture. The number one small request a man makes of a woman is a good “old-fashioned” home cooked meal. If you are not a great cook, we suggest you order food from your favorite take out service and top the evening off with a back massage. Once you are in a committed relationship, however, paying for things in his presence is perfectly acceptable as long as it is four-to-one. Remember, when a man has set the precedent of being the masculine energy in the relationship, the utmost reward for him is love, affection and availability. But every now and then he too would like to receive a gift, home cooked meal, or back rub that shows that you truly care.
10 ) Thou shalt not become intimate on the first date.
If you’re interested in him, a hug and kiss must suffice. Taking it slow and getting to know your perspective mate for three months before diving into the waters of intimacy. Never get into a sexual situation unless he tells you in the sober light of day (and not in the bedroom!) that he wants to pursue a committed, monogamous relationship with you. As long as you are not exclusive, you have the right to date as many men as you desire until you are off of the market. When it comes to sex, it is important that you realize that “In is in.’ In other words, any kind of intercourse, whether oral, vaginal or otherwise, is considered sex, and should not be indulged in until you are both monogamous. NEVER assume that you are monogamous, unless he asks you to be monogamous, committed and exclusive with you, and he tells you that he is in a platonic setting. He must verbally ask you that he desires for the two of you to be monogamous to be exclusive. It takes four seasons to get to know someone well enough to delve into marriage. If a man doesn't propose to you by the end of one year, you must end the relationship and move on, unless he agrees to therapy.

For Men:
1 ) Thou shalt think quality, not quantity!
It is best to take your time and focus on finding the right women for you, not on dating as many hotties as you possibly can.
2 ) Thou shalt learn proper phone etiquette.
The sooner, the better, as she’ll be expecting your call. If you don’t connect on the first try, be sure to leave her one or more telephone numbers at which she can reach you. Only leave a maximum of 2 phone messages. If you don’t hear back from her within 48 hours on a week day, or 72 hours on a weekend, she’s not interested. Don’t take it personally; just move on. If you’re curious, you can contact MC via email and MC will discreetly find out what happened and report back. Never ask a woman out on a first date via e-mail. Remember women are auditory and fall in love “through their ears.” A woman will bond with you more quickly if she can hear your voice. Also it is the man's duty to initiate all phone calls. Women expect you to initiate the calls until you are dating exclusively. This is considered good form. If a woman thanked you at the end of the date, do not expect her to call and thank you later. This is considered chasing, and a true lady will not do it. Men often get angry that women do not call them after a date or assume the connection has broken between them. This could not be further from the truth. Women are afraid to call until they feel they know you for the simple reason you might be on a date or have a female over at your house and therefore she would be interrupting you.
Also, until you have spoken a few times, met, and established some sort of rapport, calling too late at the beginning of a potential relationship is presumptuous and rude.
3 ) Thou shalt make appropriate arrangements, and not ask a woman out at the last minute
Make the first date at least a week in advance, then call her on the morning of the date before 12 noon to confirm. Feel free to call every few days before that, however, just to let her know you’re thinking about her and are excited about your date. Women love to fantasize about their date and about what they’re going to wear. They make appointments to get their hair and nails done. If you ask them out at the last minute, you’'ve taken away the joy of anticipation for the woman. Women generally make their plans from Monday through Wednesday for the following weekend, so if you call on Thursday or later to ask her out for the weekend, understand that she has probably already made plans and will not be available, except perhaps, for brunch. You also might get a Monday night date which means you are on her low priority list simply because you did not ask her out in advance. For your first date you must always ask to pick her up for dinner and take her to a five star restaurant. Because you might be dating a younger woman than yourself you are expected to teach her the finer things that life has to offer. Don’t be offended if she suggests lunch, brunch, drinks or coffee instead of dinner for the first date.
4 ) Thou shalt always have a plan for your date.
Women prefer men who have direction. When you make your initial phone call, try to develop rapport with the woman and gather information about her likes and dislikes. Conversations should always be a tennis match of back and forth. Do not interrogate your potential date about her physical looks or age on the phone or in person. If you want to make a great first impression, suggest her favorite restaurant or a restaurant she has always wanted to try. Never show up with the question, “What do you want to do?” This shows that you do not cherish her feelings, and that she is not a priority in your life. Make a reservation at a nice restaurant. If necessary, also make the appropriate transportation arrangements. Always go to her side of town either pick her up. You must go to her, The woman needs to feel safe in her own environment.
5 ) Thou shalt focus on your date and keep the conversation appropriate.
Start the date with a heartfelt compliment on her appearance, such as “You look really beautiful tonight!” Look into her eyes with a smile -- eye contact is extremely important, and then lead the discussion into areas of common interest --- travel, sports, work, arts, etc. Try to stay on relatively neutral subjects at the outset. Please turn your cell phone off at all times unless you are a doctor on call or you have children that may need to get in touch with you in case of an emergency. If you are waiting on an important call that needs your utmost attention please put your phone on vibrate, let your date know what is going on and then excuse yourself for a short period of time to take the call. If you answer the phone during the course of the meal you will come off as a rude and callous man who is only interested in himself. DO NOT pay attention to other women, or keep looking at the door for the latest attraction. If she sees you behave like this, no matter how good looking, wealthy, and smart you are, she will not want to see you again. Also, do not ask her why she is still single or hasn'’t yet found a husband. This is an extremely awkward question, and is a quick turnoff to most women. Please remember that emotionally healthy women fall in love with men that fall in love with them.
6 ) Thou shalt ask a woman thoughtful questions.
This indicates you are genuinely interested in her. Topics may include light questions about her family, where she grew up, etc. A good conversation should be like a tennis match, with lots of back and forth volleys. Do your best to keep up the witty repartee. Also, remember to keep away from controversial topics, including family troubles, religion, politics and your own emotional baggage. Never bring up the ex. If your date asks, simply say it didn’'t work out and change the subject. Remember: she’s not your therapist! These types of conversations convince your date that you have unresolved issues with your ex, and that you are irreparably damaged indicating that you are not ready for a relationship.
7 ) Thou shalt not brag or discuss other women
Don’t brag about your accomplishments, career successes or prized possessions, no matter how deservedly proud you may feel. And definitely do not talk about other women. You wouldn'’t want to hear about other desirable men she has in her life, would you? Word spreads quickly, and if you get a reputation for discussing other women in the club and your relationship with them, fewer women will want to date you.
8 ) Thou shalt be a gentleman.
The basics of common courtesy include: open car and restaurant/club doors for her; let her walk ahead of you into the dining area; stand up when she comes to the table; don’t stare at her below the neck; watch your table manners and don’t be too physical on the first date. The man should pay for at least the first 4 dates.
9 ) Thou shalt not become too intimate on the first date.
Give the lady only a hug or a gentle kiss at the end of the first date. There’s plenty of time for the physical stuff later, so don’t push it. If you’'re from out of town, do not invite the lady up to your hotel room to have a nightcap or “admire the view,” she may misinterpret your invitation. Slower is better at the beginning, because that enhances the possibility of a long lasting relationship that will not burn out quickly.
10 ) Thou shalt not play “games.”
Games include not calling for more than two days, talking only about yourself, or feigning only moderate interest (example: “I’m dating several women right now and keeping my options open” --- even if that’s true). The reason that so many people are not in relationships that last is because of “follow-up” is often ignored. Don’t expect to disappear on a woman for two weeks after the first date and get a warm reception on the phone when you call. Women with self-esteem love and respect themselves, and are attracted to men who genuinely like and display interest in them. Games also include encouraging a woman to move in with you when you are not married or engaged with a date set.When people live together the romance goes out the window and they no longer feel the need to work on problems. When an issue comes up that is difficult it’s often easier to leave before seeking a therapist. Leading a woman on for an extensive length of time is also considered game playing. Women over 30 with high self esteem will not generally be involved in an exclusive relationship for more than a year without an engagement ring and a wedding date being set. Women simply do not have the luxury of time, as men do. The ultimate way for you to show your love for a woman is to ask her to marry you. The ultimate way for a woman to show her love for you is to accept your proposal.

For both men and women:
1) Thou shalt not drink too much on the first date.
Although it may be very tempting, in order to relax, drinking more than two alcoholic beverages could cloud your judgment. Stay clear and focused, and never allow yourself to become sloppy or drunk.
2 ) Thou shalt not group date (initially)
The worst possible setting for getting to know someone is on a group date. Occasionally, hanging out with mutual friends can be a lot of fun; but the added audience just makes it that much more difficult to get to the true core of a person. Save group dates for after you both have had the chance to get to know each other.
3) Thou shalt be yourself.
Why do some people act as if they are this fictitious perfect catch on the first couple of dates? The real you is so much more intriguing than anyone else that you can ever pretend to be. So let all romantic contenders get to know that person. You may be surprised by the positive response that you get. Be confidant and love yourself. No one will ever be able to fully love you until you’re able to love yourself. Once you understand how to properly love yourself, you’ll then be able to effectively communicate how you desire to be loved by someone else.
4) Thou shalt use dating to grow as a person.
Even if the relationship ends up being a huge disappointment, you should still use the opportunity to grow as a person. Your greatest periods of growth always seem to come during the low moments of life. So take every dating situation, whether good or bad, and allow those lessons to upgrade you. Also, don't give up. Some people are able to find “the one” relatively quickly. But for others, the dating process can be about a frustrating journey. But no matter how bleak the dating landscape may appear to be at the moment, there will always be brighter days ahead. You just have to believe.
5) Thou shalt not lead the other person on.
If someone is really into you but the feelings aren’t mutual, then make it known. Leading someone on will probably lead to an even worse outcome. In the end, it never works out well for either party involved.

Talk about it... agree or disagree?

26 comments

Eb the Celeb March 17, 2008 at 6:10 PM

One that initially really popped out at me as not really agreeing with was the part about a man not proposing to you after a year, you end the relationship. I mean dang, especially if its going good, why would you end a good relationship because right at the 1 year mark he hasn't proposed. But that's just me... now if its gets to 3 or more years and he ain't made up his mind about you yet, then you need to put your foot down.

dessex March 17, 2008 at 6:19 PM

its very difficult to disagree with any of these commandments. I love em all. I really love number 4 and 6 for women. lol

The Flyyest March 17, 2008 at 7:18 PM

damn....so many commandments!!! i agree tho

Regina March 17, 2008 at 8:26 PM

I agree with most of it but don't forget your number 3 for women can go both ways, occasionally men also come with baggage!

Skoolboi Krush March 17, 2008 at 8:55 PM

I don't think I have every asked anybody out an entire week in advance. That is crazy! I've pretty much broken all of the commandments for men.

The Jaded NYer March 17, 2008 at 10:12 PM

I've broken every rule, on all three lists... and people wonder why I'm single...LOL

Seriously, though, I've never been one to adhere to dating "rules" because my gut instinct will always tell me the right thing to do.

Now do I listen to that gut instinct??? Unfortunately, not always...

DollFace March 17, 2008 at 10:52 PM

so, so many rules! Is there going to be a pop quiz at the end of the week? LOL

These are good. I esp like #3 on teh guy list. I really appreciate a man that doesn't expect me to plan everything. Besides, we live in NEW YORK. I already have isht on my calendar up to August. There is always something to do, so waiting to the last minute is setting yourself up for failure.

Thoughts of a Southern gal March 17, 2008 at 11:29 PM

I've broken a few rules.

Eb that one stood out to me too. The mèn's list hit on some kèy points like we fall in love "through our ears". I got to think about #3 for the guys. I've accepted dates the day before. LOL

i.can't.complain. March 18, 2008 at 2:31 AM

only 1 year of dating 'til u should be engaged, ey?

dude, ive wasted sooo much time

im printing this one eb.

and hanging it on the 'fridge.

thanks.

i mean it.

-1-

i.can't.complain. March 18, 2008 at 2:33 AM

oh, and one of the rules was not to talk about past relationships...

but guys ALWAYS ask...

"what happened with your ex. why r u single".

i ask too. especially if he seems 2 good 2 be true.

i wanna know ahead of time what's wrong with him

-1-

G-Sweet March 18, 2008 at 3:11 AM

Not that it matters but am I the only 1 that felt like a woman wrote this...

Anywho... oddly I noticed I follow a majority of these rules... but the one I have broken, I f*ckin shattered em...lol

I agree that the 1 year thing is a bit extreme, and that also depends on age (IMO)...

I think I do need to start abidin' by some rules tho.

Sass March 18, 2008 at 9:42 AM

I def agree with most of the rules. I just wish guys actually would step up more and make some plans, and know that yes you should be courting a woman and pay (the first 4 times according to the rules), and I can treat occasionally. When it comes to the discussion on paying guys want to bring up the independent woman thing. I know my role (s), know yours.

dejanae March 18, 2008 at 11:47 AM

ok
wat happened to my comment
*puzzled look*
the only rule i follow is that there are no rules
lol
as long as you're sincere with yours
interesting post

magnoliapeach March 18, 2008 at 12:07 PM

I hate the why are you single question, I mean we both are out together, why are you single?!!!!

Now the first date doesn't have to be that boring, I'm more of the lets get to know each other while doing something fun type of chick.

Now after a year I don't say you have to be engaged, but at that point you should have an idea of where this thing is headed.

I can pretty much agree with the rest of the rules, however we all know that not everything is black and white.

KIKI March 18, 2008 at 12:45 PM

I pretty much adhere to most of these rules except for...

#8(women)...gotta get that f*cking cussin under control - hehehehe

and

#1(both)...what's considered "too much"? I mean...I'm just askin...

The Fitness Diva March 18, 2008 at 12:48 PM

"Thou shall not play games".

LOVE IT!

MP March 18, 2008 at 4:18 PM

I feel like rules are for games. I think that rules for dating lead to playing games. Why can't people be respectful, honest, and courteous of each other while dating without all the rules? I've never been interested in the "dating game".

LadyWritesTheBlues March 18, 2008 at 4:28 PM

I am loving this series already!!!! I've broken some and honored some. You live and learn and grow. Enjoying what you're doing here-this IS NEEDED! My brother reeeaaaaly needs to read this...

Afrodite March 18, 2008 at 4:37 PM

This is an a,azing list, Eb and I know I've broken more than a few rules.

*I play the game by not returning calls as prompt as I should.

*I've been known to carry some baggage. I'm working on that.

*I've talked about previous relationships but only because I was asked.

But marriage after a year...I dunno about that one.

Jewells March 18, 2008 at 8:57 PM

"If a man doesn't propose to you by the end of one year, you must end the relationship and move on, unless he agrees to therapy."

I hope that was a joke.

Homer is My Co-pilot March 20, 2008 at 12:56 PM

damn I'm all late to the party, I agree with everyone on the 1 year thing that's a bit much. And I rarely ask anyone out before thursday. I figure 24 hours is a good enough notice right? Other than that these seem pretty right. I'm horrible about calling and keeping in touch though. Does IM and email count?

ChocolateTopaz March 21, 2008 at 4:47 AM

this is very true and i totally agree with 1 and 10 a lot of guys out there are defying this rule. i hope all the guys who read the commandments take notes lol, ladies too.
i also dont agree with the marraige thing thats a lil old school.

entrylevelliving March 23, 2008 at 10:07 AM

I think these rules have some truth to them--especially the last few. They highlight the fact that people just rush into stuff. Let's take it slow and focus on developing emotional intimacy without all the head games!

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