Making sacrifices in relationships

So I need to hear some experiences from my fellow RBW's and my RBM's can comment as well. A very close friend of mine (male) has been pursuing a music career for the past 3-4 years. He has potential but since he decided to take on the music thing he hasnt held a job. He gets a job just to help his brother (roommate) with a bill or two and like 3 weeks later he quits. He has done this maybe 3 times in the last 2 years so you might as well say he hasnt worked at all. I love my friend to death but we really got into it the other day because I told him he needs to get his act together. I cant just stop working and expect my family to take care of all the bills because I want to publish a book. My family would look at me like I'm crazy. He is totally taking advantage and has now abused the privilege his family has given him. In respect to the relationship side, he has a girlfriend that is currently in grad school. Oh I forgot to mention that he is like 12 credits shy of his undergraduate degree and has been too lazy to finish. He is now 27 years old. But anyway, his girlfriend is the baby of the family. All her older sisters are educated have good jobs, and have men with good jobs. He got mad at me because I said I dont know why she would want to be with someone like you. She should be with someone that compliments her and you really need to get your stuff together. Even though she isnt saying anything to you, I'm sure her sisters are putting the bug in her ear. Either way he was pretty upset with me, I had a couple drinks so I didnt exactly say it as nice as I'm saying it here but its tough love. We have been friends since high school. He went on to fight back and tell me that's why I'm going to be single forever because I measure love with how much money a guys makes. Which is totally untrue. I just want someone that compliments me. That has nothing to do with how much money they have in their pocket. That has to do with their dreams, ambitions, goals in life, etc. but you still have to take care of your current responsibilities no matter what the future holds for you. I understand he has a passion for music but he cant expect people to take care of him until things blow up. Was I wrong here??? I didnt tell him this but I really feel like he's settling. I have seen the girls he dates over the years and this girl is nothing like his type. He wasnt even claiming her really as his girlfriend until recently and I feel its just because he knows that no one else is going to put up with that mess. Then he gets pissed when I talk about how I enjoy working and will never be a stay at home mom, and jokingly say that I need a stay at home husband. He calls me ridiculous when I say this because he's very traditional with his views and that the man should take care of the household and the woman stay at home and cook and clean, etc. But he is not living that life (even though him and the girl arent married) but if they do get married she will be making a lot more money than him if the music thing never happens, and I know his ego well... he would never survive if he had to live in her shadow. Would any of my fellow RBW's date a guy like this??? I love my friend to death, but he has got to get it together. His brother who is also a dear friend of mine, is even fed up now and is planning on moving back home with their parents just so he doesnt have to take care of his brother (who by the way is a year older than him) anymore.

Anyway, I wrote a poem a while back that sort of touches on the topic so I decided to add it as well.

Give & Take

At times he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world
Other times I can see in his eyes that he’s annoyed
Maybe by my presence – he says I talk too much
Or maybe he’s still mad that I cut my hair
I’m sorry I’m not your typical trophy wife
Standing tall and beautiful behind her musician man
I’m not the type to be seen and not heard
And I take back that apology because I’m not sorry
I was just as loud when you fell in love with me
And my hair was short to, but I let it grow for you
Maybe that was my first mistake…conforming to you early on
Our personalities are so strong we would have constantly clashed
If I had decided to take a stand
But what is love really about… Give & Take.

This is the only way it will work
But I will never compromise my integrity
Little things like letting my hair grow when it’s always been short
Is giving to the man I love because he likes long hair
But I will never allow my opinions to be drowned in a sea of what you feel a woman should be
Because you fell in love with me
So I must have an opinion that matters

Give & Take
I like men that are at least 6 foot 2
But I fell in love with you who’s barely 6 feet
My stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be, and I can say the same for you
You like big breasts, but I don’t have the biggest titts
And you most definitely don’t have the biggest dick
But it’s Give & Take.

We both love very hard & are creative & passionate about everything we do
I got your back in whatever you want to pursue
And although I hate the fact that you let the littlest things bother you
And you hate the fact that I play around so much
Out of love, we both deal with it… because it’s Give & Take.

So in order to have a woman that will forever love you unconditionally
Can you accept her being a little loud sometimes
Love her the same even though she’s gained a few pounds
Still look at her with the same passion even if her hair is short
So in order to have a man that will forever love me unconditionally
I will deal with you being broke to pursue your music career
I will love your past like it’s mine and embrace every part of it
I will try to better deal with how quickly you get annoyed
Because with real love, you must Give & Take.

Copyright © 2005 by Jonesin' Enterprises All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission.


Don October 17, 2007 at 4:42 PM

First off - nice post, and nice blog. I stopped here once before but I never read your topics because I thought it was for women only, but your post 2day includes me.

I can understand where your friend is coming from. He wants to put all of his energy into what he feels is going to override, and level everything out. Most men carry that line of thought. I currently do. If you let me tell it, my book is going to make me millions and I will be a lifelong best seller. So I feel where he's coming from.

If his girl allows him to remain the way he is, and she doesn't walk away, then you should recognize that. You should let it be. And whatever you are afraid is going to happen ... well, maybe that is what needs to happen before your friend opens his eyes to what you, and everyone else is saying. So, if I were you, I really wouldn't be trippin on dude too hard because what is going to be will be - regardless of whatever else.

True love overrides monetary ism. Not saying they have true love, but if they do, then you definitely cannot tell him anything. You feel me.

I loved the poem. I'm shocked because I didn't think you had that in you player.

And stop lying - you know you're ALL about them benji's. LOL.

Ebonne October 18, 2007 at 10:59 AM

So Don,

Your saying that is OK to stop taking care of your everyday responsibilities for a dream? I dont think so. The one thing I love about black men is that they are so ambitious and have big dreams but come on here. He is a 27 yo that has his younger brother and family taking care of him, just because he can. And this has been for the past 3 years. Something has got to give.

The relationship part is really irrelevant. I could care less, it just came up because his brother said something about if you think her family aint calling you a scrub and putting a bug in her ear than you are a fool, so I incorporated that in the post with my personal opinion about the situation.

And what do you mean you liked the poem but didnt think i had that in

I hold the label Renaissance Black Woman for a reason... you better ask Love Jones... lol!

And I am not all about the benji's. I have dated plenty that I make more than... I just want someone who is not where they want to be but has big dreams and ambitions and is making realistic steps towards being where they want to be. Because that's where I am. Can't be with anyone who is broke, has big dreams, but no foundation in order to make those dreams come true, because if there is no foundation than there are just dreams that will never come true. My bestfriend is not working for it. He is used to everything being handed to him, and its time for that to stop.

MysTery October 22, 2007 at 6:59 PM

Nice post. You are SO right, he needs to get it together! He is using people and that is SELLLLLFISH. I can't stand people that can't hold their own...especially at 27! And he needs to get that degree!! I mean come on, God has it sitting right there in front of you, stop being lazy....

Smarty Jones November 2, 2007 at 12:46 AM

OK, so I'm a few weeks late on this and it is funny I should come across this right now. A very close friend, OK my ex and I, were having this very conversation.
To answer your question would I date a man like this, not just no - HELL NO!!!
If I am in a relationship, especially at this stage of my life, I want to feel like my man can take care of me in all aspects of life, physically, emotionally and financially.
My biggest fear in life is being broke and I will not do it! I can do bad by my damn self.
I understand following your dream, but your dreams will not keep the heat on. I'll be damned if I'm taking care of me and you, an able-bodied man who won't work.
Hell, how many of us don't want to quit our jobs and follow our respective dreams while having someone take care of us?
We all would, but we have responsibilities to take care of. I think you were right to put that in his ear, somebody had to. It seems to me that people have been enabling him for too long.
I agree with you about his girl too, eventually, she's going to want to get married and have children and how can she expect him to help raise children if he's still acting like one?
He needs to get himself together and get his grown man on and start acting like he's 27 in stead of 7.

Sage November 28, 2007 at 9:02 AM

Great poem!

You speak the truth -- love is about give and take.

The "little" things you mentioned in this poem: a few extra pounds, hair length, height...all of that is trivial when it comes down to love. Real love. There are brothas out there who are down for that real love, too.

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