Can you threaten a guy and still get a date?

So everyone who frequents RBW knows that I am crazy, so none of the following is going to surprise you... but I just want to know if I am the only one.

You ever really NOT want to like someone but you do. So for some reason I don't want to like Semipro. Every time something happens I am quick to say I am over the situation don't even want to be talking to him anymore, or either I am bored with him, and then he does something that pulls me back in and I'm like damn.

So since he has been back in town (3 weeks now) we have not had a real phone conversation (as of last weekend) like we used to do a couple times a week when he wasn't here. I noticed it Sunday at the cookout in BK. He lives in BK so I texted him that I would be in the neighborhood. He is such a jokester and it pisses me off at the moment and then later on it makes me smile. So he comes up to the park and is watching me. Texting me what I have on, and what the deejay is playing... all this little ish to let me know he is there but never comes over to speak. I felt it was rude, but this is when I realized we hadn't actually spoken in a while. Those past 3 weeks all we did was text. Granted most times we had been in places where it was too loud to talk, but it was the same when he wasn't here and we still made time.

The next morning (Monday)... bright and early... probably around 8:30am he calls me... just to tell me how cute I looked in my outfit... Damn! Now why the hell he had to do that. I was just about to forget about him. We had a really good convo that morning too. I hung up the phone smiling. I told him how I was about to cut him off for thinking he was too good to actually pick up a phone and call somebody and that he had 1 more day to go without calling before I dismissed him... and he told me, " I told you about threatening me too, didn't I." Ugh... damn Taurus... that was not a threat. I have threatened him before... like I was gon knock him out the next time I saw him for something he said on the phone... trying to clown me... but I was just playing. I couldn't knock this sexy chocolate hunk of a man out if I wanted to...lol.

Next task is a date. I don't know if he thinks chilling at the crib or us meeting out somewhere and he and his crew are chilling and me and my crew are chilling and then we mingle together a bit is a date but that's all we have done. I want a real damn date by the end of July and I don't want to ask him for one. I want him to come out and say I am taking you somewhere, and he don't even have to tell me where, just come pick me up and lead the way. I can hear all the men in the blogosphere right now saying... we are a little slow... you need to tell him that's what you want. Why do I have to tell him, isn't it common sense that when you are talking to someone that dates are part of that equation. Why do I have to initiate it? I swear I need a late 20's man that has the common sense of a late 30's man because its obvious they don't quite get it yet.

Krush, Kyle, Rich, Dave, Eclectik (my blog brothas who I look to for relationship advice) and any other brothers that want to attack this... how should I approach this situation. I do have a bad habit of making ultimatums. If it comes down to me having to say something I'm gonna be straight up and be like you got til the end of the month to take me out or I'm done. The taurus in me. Then the taurus in him will come back... well since your threatening me... We'll do something on August 1st... just to be an ass.... ugh...

The problem with this is I like that type of ish. I don't want a man that is going to jump every time I say so. If I feel like I can run all over you, that is the biggest turn off ever. At this point in the game, me having a gentler personality isn't going to work so how can I still be true to myself, and still get a date out of this dude. I don't want to have to threaten him, but I know he isn't going to come up with the idea on his own. So I need to know how to trick him into thinking the idea was his all the while, when it was really me planting the seed so that it doesn't seem like I am telling him what to do.

I've already hinted when he first got back about doing something. It was when I was back home for a couple days and he called to come see me because he had just gotten back in town. Totally forgetting that I wasn't even in town. So I told him that I had those tickets to the Sex Museum so when I got back we should figure out a time to go. He said cool, but I've been back for a minute and he ain't said nothing about it.

I really don't understand why dudes feel that just because I'm cool and laid back when it comes to dating someone, that I don't want to go out from time to time. I don't understand how being the girl that doesn't sweat you and gives you time with your boys constitutes when I do want to spend time, I want to be sitting in the damn house.

This dating ish is for the birds I tell you... so Heeeellllllppppppp!!!

68 comments

Darius T. Williams July 17, 2008 at 9:10 AM

It's about MUTHA F-ing TIME!

:::I'm First:::

BRB to comment!

Ieisha July 17, 2008 at 9:10 AM

Although you asked for the fellas opinion, I'm throwing in my two cents.

If you want it, go for it. Ain't no sense in trying all the trickery to get Semipro to do something that you want to do. Give it to him straight up, no-chaser. Dudes do not get all those subtle, around the mulberry bush type hints.

Your dilemma reminds me of "The Break-Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. She wanted him to want to wash the dishes. He said he'd do them but wasn't jumping for joy about it. She still wasn't satisfied.

So the real question to ask yourself is: do you just want the date? Or do you want him to make an affirmative move that shows he truly cares? Cuz if you just want the date, you can ask him out and show him how it's done.

But it sounds like you want him to be your man and do the "boyfriend" type things (real dates, talk on the phone, etc.) although you've said you don't want a boyfriend. Sounds like your tune is changing!

Super Dave Van Buren July 17, 2008 at 9:11 AM

Aww shyt and I first??? Yaaayyy!!!


Ok on to business, You should mention it but don't but a timetable on it. If some girl game me a timetable I would be an ass about it too.

You should just mention how you would like to spend some quality time out and about with him. Let him come up with the idea on where to go. If you don't mention it he might think your cool with how things are.

Super Dave Van Buren July 17, 2008 at 9:12 AM

Aww shyt nevermind... I'm late as usual... lmoa

Darius T. Williams July 17, 2008 at 9:16 AM

So listen - even though I'mma gay dude, I can chime in. Like many other homos I have TONS of female friends - so I'm used to these scenarios.

You need to quit playing. See, that's the problem with women. I know it's a perfect scenario for him to come and ask you out. But, if the boy doesn't REALLY know that you're THAT passionate about it, then how can he respond. Remember, you're the one that's mental. Ol' boy is physical. You have to PHYSICALLY tell him how you feel and what you'd like. Be sure to tell him what pleases you and what doesn't. No one has time for a game of charades. You need to communicate to him and let him pick up the rest. But, that's of course if you're serious about it.

I deal w/this all the time from dudes cuz men aren't mental or psychological AT ALL.

It's like my grandmother always said, "it's okay for you to lead a horse to water. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But you can't make him drink - he has to do that on his own."

Darius T. Williams July 17, 2008 at 9:17 AM

PS, I just read ieshia's comments...the girl is straight up preaching!

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 9:18 AM

@Ieisha - Nope dont want a BF... but I want to be dating someone... dont want the commitment aspect so if I'm out with the girlies and am vibing with a cutie that I dont feel like I'm cheating but I want to be getting to know Semipro better... that is all. Definitely dont want him to be my boyfriend at this point but just that summer love.

@lmao @ dave - this being first thing cracks me up everytime... thx for the advice though... but havent I already done that with mentioning the tickets I have to the sex museum? And he has yet to bring that up again... so I have to revisited that. Maybe ask him when we are going to go... ugh... I hate being that girl that is acting like she's pressed to do something that's why is so much more easy to threaten because then I can justify being done with that person. UGH!

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 9:21 AM

@Darius - I know all of that but WTF... why do we have to lead? Men always talking about how our problem is we're too independent and act like we dont need a man but the things we need a man to do, like initiate a date, then all of a sudden its ok for us to take control. I swear ya'll say women are complex ya'll are just as complex but in a way that makes absolutely no sense. At least as women we understand our insanity.

Liryc July 17, 2008 at 9:29 AM

Eb, here's my two cents, (Some) Men are slow (as you've already noticed) or as my friend Pringles would say Men are dense and must be told things as simply as possible, like : "you. me. date. tomorrow." and they understand. (sorry guys its just how some of you are)

I think if by the end of the month he doesn't ask you, the beginning of Next month you ask him. I know you'd want to be the one asked out, but as an independent and head strong woman sometimes you have to do what must be done and that is go and get it yourself (grab the bull by the horns Taurus.)

Make it happen cap'n. Hope it goes well.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T July 17, 2008 at 9:36 AM

u aint crazy woman
i know crazy, especially crazy women
did u threaten to put something in his food, if so, dont expect a date

allienicole July 17, 2008 at 9:45 AM

so i've had like 2 real dates in my life now that i think about it. actually, just one! ug!

this is some bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 9:49 AM

@ Allie - you better than me... I dont consider dinner and a movie a date... I consider something outside the box being a real date, something that was thoroughly planned... and when it comes down to that... I still havent had a "real date." Definitely some BS!!! WTH... do we have to get s sugar daddy in order to get a real date these days without having to initiate it?

Dana July 17, 2008 at 9:58 AM

Girl...I thought you were done with Semipro? Damn...did I miss a post?

Anywho...I have no comment...I can't even get my own dating shit together. ={

The Jaded NYer July 17, 2008 at 10:13 AM

I'm gonna co-sign with darius & iesha because it was what I was gonna say...

however, I spend every night by my damn self so what do I know LOL

Ms. Jones July 17, 2008 at 10:25 AM

I agree with the majority here. I have come to find out that dudes don't get hints so if you want a date then you should go on ahead and ask for one. Then at that point he knows what you want and the ball is in his court to take some action. Be straight forward, but leave the timetable out because that just adds a whole other unnecessary dimension to the situation lol..just my two cents :)

K. July 17, 2008 at 10:26 AM

Chalk that one up. Men are not dumb, slow, or laid back when it comes to something they want. He's not waiting for you to take the lead he is just not interested in anything beyond something casual. If you're down for that, cool. If not then you're wasting your time.

If you meet a guy and you start off texting all the time instead of talking, hanging out instead of going on dates, etc, you can't expect things to change a month later or what have you. By participating in that ish from jump you gave him the signal that you're ok with not going on dates, talking on the phone, etc.

MrsGrapevine July 17, 2008 at 10:41 AM

You don't have to give him an ultimatum, just ask him what's up. Guys know exactly what that mean, and then he'll play dumb and ask what's up with what. Then you'll say, you know what I'm talking about, are we going to keep playing the text and phone games, or are we gonna make something happen. That's all it takes, at that point he's either gonna ask you out or act clueless. If he acts clueless, then he's not ready. It's all about the games and the chase.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 10:41 AM

@k - I feel you... I am not naive at all and if it had been any normal situation I would have already either considered him a jump off or been done... The problem with this case is we never had the time to date.

We met a month before he was moving to a another city for 5-6 months... so in that time all we could do was talk and text. He came back every other month in that period for about 2 days and always made time to see me when he was here even though he was coming back either for his daughter's birthday or a family issue. He has only been back in NYC for 3 weeks so I am trying to give him a chance to ease back in...

but the Champ from Very Smart Brothas agrees with you as well so maybe I will take this as a loss...

Sorry -1- I know you were rooting for Semipro...

I really dont know whose advice to take on this though because I really dont want to give up on him just yet. I have a steady history of cutting dudes off hella quick... my friends talk junk about it all the time about how hard I am on guys so I was trying to be a little patient.

Ugh.. this dating ish really is for the birds...

UnKnownDiva July 17, 2008 at 10:44 AM

i hate to get all astrological but i think that taurus men like women to come to them and they like women that take charge.

the taurus dude that i fell in luv with was laid back and did anything i wanted to do but he rarely initiated anything. he told me later on that he has a real deep fear of rejection so he don't like to really approach women or ask women out like that. (slish said the same thing on his blog)luckily for me, it didn't bother me one bit to say "hey let's do this or that" and it didn't seem to bother him one bit to say "okay, that's wassup"

i think u two bulls may already be butting horns cuz u want to be asked out and he probably wants the same thing....i say go for it!!! you're eb the celeb.....what the hell have u got to lose!!!

xoxoxo

Opinionated Diva July 17, 2008 at 11:05 AM

Eb...I think you are fooling yourself if you think you don't want the committment aspect of having THAT man as your BF.

Maybe you just don't want to say it...and that's cool...but if you keep acting like that with this dude...why would he take you on a date...why would it even occur to him to do so...when you seem comfortable with just chillin?

As Darius said, "stop playing games"...put your cards on the table and tell him what you want. You want to date him...you want to consider the possibilities of where it might lead.

You DONT want to threaten him to give you want you want because of course you want him to want it too. You also DONT want to be stuck in a rut with him in this "just chillin" phase indefinitely. Tell him that.

All he can say is that it's not what he wants...and then you'll have your answer.

Ticia July 17, 2008 at 11:06 AM

Man - I just want ONE date this YEAR ... LOL - how about that!!


Well - I say good luck on that - Just tell him what you want - can it be really that simple!?!?!?

Resa51 July 17, 2008 at 11:10 AM

****************** I agree w/ Mrsgrapevine. But what I'm really feeling is that "he's just not that into you" ... well at the moment. Think about it. He's a grown man. He's been on dates before. He's asked a woman out on date before. Therefore he knows how to initiate. He knows about the chase. It seems like he's trying to string you along as the "backup/on-reserve chick" because he know's ur feeling him and a few texts and a phone call here and there will keep you in the mix. Meanwhile, so far all he's been doing is MAINTAINING contact via texting mostly, which doesn't replace a phone call. By now he has an idea whether he wants progress with you or keep it the same. And it seems like he likes the way things are. Don't underestimate a man's mentality. They KNOW WHAT'S UP and are very calculated when dealing with women. Therefore, they're not that simple-minded as we think. I say show him he has competition while showing less attention to him that you did before. Men respond to action, NOT words! TRUST!

Skoolboi Krush July 17, 2008 at 11:18 AM

LOL! You ass is crazy! We have been over this how many times? Tell that man you are going on a "real date" with somebody else and see what happens.

TravelDiva July 17, 2008 at 11:22 AM

Hmmm, I think you should say you want to go out. This kind of sounds like a lot of games. The texting your outfit in the park think would have been hot if he'd ultimately had come over and kicked it. Unless you say you want it, I think you'll continue to be in semi-friend, buddy mode.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 11:24 AM

@OD - For real for real... I do NOT want him to be my BF... but I want more than a jump off situation... Since when was there no happy medium... what happened to casually dating people... can we not do that anymore? I want to be dating... but not just after the street lights come on... I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I like him... so we have to take 1 step at a time... I really do NOT want him to be my BF...lol; you stay calling me on that...

@Resa - this is so funny... I swear after this post everyone is going to know more about Semipro than I do... So we have had this convo before... He has only had 1 real GF and that is his baby mama. In college and high school everyone has those relationships that last a couple months... but dont really count. He has been an athlete all his life and made it known that he had his pimpin days and never had to holla at girls. They always came at him. When we met and exchanged numbers it wasn't either one of us trying to holla at each other or flirt we actually got into an argument. Funny story... I wont get into at the moment.

So in essence he is not the type of dude to initiate and I am not the type of chick to be like where is this going. We jokingly had a convo a little over a month ago about whatever "this" is not going anywhere because we are both too bullheaded...

and for the record... I hate that "just not into you mess" the damn book was written by a comedian... half the stuff in it makes no sense and is just for jokes... only a couple of those situations actually make sense

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 11:31 AM

@Krush - For real though... so ultimately... dating IS all about games. We already do stupid stuff like that so he wouldnt even take me serious or act like he cared. The male ego... its funny... because on Sunday at the cook out... where ever he was watching me from he saw me flirting with Canada Cutie and take a picture with him... as you saw in the post... Like clockwork... right after I took the picture... he texts me... dang there are some fine ladies out here...

just to be an ass because he was jealous... and wanted me to know that he saw me... so I text back... just let me know later how many numbers you got...

we play that stupid game all the time... and why I gotta play another game to get a date... that definitely wont work with this dude...

@traveldiva - I know right... I thought the text was cute too... and thought ultimately he would have come over... but he may not have because he saw me flirting and didn't want to cramp my style. although I did text him before I left to tell him I was about to go and was I going to see him and he said he was already walking out the park... so that's when I got pissed and said I was done with his arse... then he called me the next morning and reeled me back in

AroundHarlem.com July 17, 2008 at 12:13 PM

Hey Eb,

I chuckle every time I read about you and men. I'm like these young girls have the game all wrong. (No offense intended.)

In a nutshell, if you want Semi-Pro to take you on a real date, you have to date others. And be honest about it with Semi-Pro.

I'm not saying rub it in his face, but when he talks to you or texts you and asks what you've been up to, you say oh I went to ABC with XYC.

Then, you should stop being so available to him via phone and text. If he's interested enough, he'll track you down and say lets do something because he's missed talking to you/being with you.

I agree with Champ that its probably too late to totally turn around the situation. However, I won't say just give up trying since you seem to really like him.

Finally, you mentioned that girls were always throwing themselves at Semi-Pro because he was an athlete. I've seen this first hand, so I understand the type of attitude he has towards women.

Basically, I think he feels that he can have you whenever he wants and on whatever terms he wants. In order for you to change the ways that he percieves you, you have to drastically change your behavior.

If you start now, you may be able to let him assess the situation and decide what he really wants from you. I would say move quickly so that you can enjoy the summer together once he starts to act right.

April :-)

Keli July 17, 2008 at 12:21 PM

New to the blog...

I say just do it. If you say you want something, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable (just a little) in order to get it. What's the harm in telling him to get dressed and you be by in an hour to pick him up? If it's already been made clear that he is not going to initiate, for whatever the reason, let's just bite the bullet and do it. What's the worst that can happen? He can say that he's not interested in that type of relationship and that he's comfortable with the way things are. You already know that you're not interested in continuing on the way things are and you can "be done with his arse".

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 12:27 PM

@April - See that why I f8&ks with harlem...lol... I see your point and I guess the way to getting what you want is playing a couple games like Krush said. The thing is I am always out and about when he calls or texts me... 95% of the time... I never say that I am with another guy... but I probably do text him back to quick. I have a tendency of texting him right back if he calls me when I am in the club to let him know I'm there and its too loud to talk and will hit him later... and usually hit him in the cab on the way home... so damn... maybe I am making myself to available to him.

Its weird I never realized it because I am talking to other dudes and he knows that.. and I know he is talking to other chicks... but I do kinda put him ahead of the rest. Basically I don't have any interest in getting to know anymore than I already do about the others... they call and if I want to oblige its just something to do.

So operation act like I am too busy is about to begin.

And laugh at me all you want...I am a student looking to learn from the vets in the game like you... so please enlighten wherever and whenever you feel the need

Skoolboi Krush July 17, 2008 at 12:34 PM

Wait! I've been tellin' you the same thing that Harlem said forever and now the light comes on! Hell Naw!

Smarty Jones July 17, 2008 at 12:36 PM

OK Eb, I feel ya, I really do, but you have enough male friends to know how slow they can be.
I recently had a conversation with one of my male friends about how fed up I am for having to initiate -ish whenever I'm interested and how I'm getting too old to be playing games.
He told me that more often than not, you not only have to give them an 'in' but you have to also speak your mind.
I might be overstepping here because you haven't admitted to yourself how much you like Semipro, but if you see potential for a, ahem, future, then you need to let it be known.
From what my friend told me, some men like it when you put it all on the table. He says that all the relationships he's had have occurred when the woman approached him.
Apparently they all think with their little heads first. I always thought that but he confirmed it.
And, ultimatums work. My brother is in the military and has recently been stationed in California. The two of them were living together. She said the only way she was going out there is if he married her first.
He didn't last a week and they're on the way to the Justice of the Peace TODAY! Ultimatums work, for some men. Not sure about Semipro though, he seems to be a lil' difficult and has stalker tendecies.
"So he comes up to the park and is watching me. Texting me what I have on, and what the deejay is playing... all this little ish to let me know he is there but never comes over to speak."
Wow folks!

One Man’s Opinion July 17, 2008 at 12:38 PM

You crazy. I got the number to some who maybe able to help you out, baby girl. But I love you.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 12:44 PM

Ok so today... really proved to me how much I love love love the blog world... and all the personalities on it...

@Krush - sorry... you were just so harsh... it made more sense when April broke it down...

@Smarty - lmao @ you calling semipro a stalker... ultimatums definitely wont work with him... everything is a power trip... you know how us taurus' are.

I think I made up my mind though... I'm just gonna tell him what the deal is... and see what he says... if he's cool with the nothing we have now then I know to keep it moving... and when he continues to call (because I know he will) then I wont have any apprehensions about telling him exactly what I am doing if I am out with another guy or lying and telling him I am if I really aint...

I just feel it was rude before to tell him I am out with another dude... I dont want to know if I call him that he's with another chick... but now... this may mean war... Do I need to re-watch 2 can play that game tonight?

@one man - how you gon come over here and call me crazy and not explain why... lol

n0days0ff July 17, 2008 at 12:44 PM

I dont consider dinner and a movie a date...



you right thats 2 dates.lol. i wish women had to go through what we go through sometimes.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 12:53 PM

@no days off - I didn't say dinner a movie wasn't a date... its just typical... I want to go on a "real date"... something that was thought out and creative..


kinda like the movie Hitch (and dont say that's how they do it in the movies because there are some men out there that still know how to wine and dine)... the dates in that movie were calculated and well thought out so even if they weren't perfect you still appreciated them because the man tried so hard... men don't try anymore... and I don't need anything extravagant... just something that isnt so typical...

Lady Cameleon July 17, 2008 at 1:09 PM

I so feel this Eb..........

"kinda like the movie Hitch (and dont say that's how they do it in the movies because there are some men out there that still know how to wine and dine)... the dates in that movie were calculated and well thought out so even if they weren't perfect you still appreciated them because the man tried so hard... men don't try anymore... and I don't need anything extravagant... just something that isnt so typical..."

But the crazier part is there is a dude, of course not the one i love, who is down to do all this....the first date we had was on point and spontaneous.....I guess it is just who you dig, cause its not like you cant get that EB you fly as a kite missy, and its not like i cant get it either, i did. We jus like who we like or love who we love.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 1:14 PM

@lady c - and that right there is the problem... I have them too...mostly guys in their 30's... always trying to take me out... but I aint feeling none of them... and dont want to be like my friends who just go out with them to see what they can get out of them or do for them... Why cant the men we like be the men we want them to be...

AroundHarlem.com July 17, 2008 at 1:15 PM

Eb, the advice I gave earlier came to me from a woman that was still going on dates well past retirement age.

This older woman was not only always out with some man, she was always out with a different man.

One time I made some type of complaint about not having a man, or they type of man that I wanted and she quickly shut me down.

Basically she said that no woman should complain about someone not doing what she wanted because if you really sit back and think, every woman could probably name 5 guys who wanted to give her everything that she wanted. (She's right about that for most women.)

Second, she mentioned that if you want men to take you on dates, you have to stop going to their house and stop letting them come to yours. If they want to see you, they will plan something.

Finally, I've been busy (not as much as you) but when a guy realizes that you actually have a life and you're not sitting waiting for him to call, he will make an appointment (future date.)

I have had guys schedule a date up to two weeks in advance.

Why, because I refuse to go out with them on a whim (phone call, hey what you doing? can I come over?) and I date according to my own personal schedule. (I actually would prefer to stay home certain nights to chill and watch TV.....LOL)

Try it. Trust me, it works. And, it's not playing games. You're just making non-verbal statements about how you prefer to be treated.

n0days0ff July 17, 2008 at 1:16 PM

dudes is cautious,especially when you still dating and aint serious yet.

its such a double standard sometimes cause women are all about waiting and not rushing things but they want you to rent a plane to write their name in the sky and all that stuff.

my lil mama can get that cause we been with each other for years.it takes time to learn how to read people caus ei know some girls who aint into all that poetry rapheal de la ghetto bullshit. one time i asked i girl if she wanted to go on a helicopter ride.she looked at me like i was stupid.she said to do what just look around? it was a case of trying too hard

n0days0ff July 17, 2008 at 1:18 PM

Why cant the men we like be the men we want them to be...


how about this first figure out what yall want before you can even expect anybody to be that. cause women tend to diss the nice dude then years later realize thats what they want.


its all love eb dont think im coming at your neck :)

AroundHarlem.com July 17, 2008 at 1:47 PM

"I just feel it was rude before to tell him I am out with another dude... I dont want to know if I call him that he's with another chick... but now... this may mean war... Do I need to re-watch 2 can play that game tonight?"

I think it's actually rude to answer a text/phone call on a date. You give the impression that someone else is more than the person you're with on the date.

(This is the quickest way to not get asked out on a second date. You ruin the evening for the other person.)

Wait until you're home and settled in to respond.

(Let his mind wonder about your unavailability.)

nikki July 17, 2008 at 1:49 PM

it really ain't all that complex. ask dude out then take it from there.

i will say this though...once the pattern is established, you'll be taking the initiative all the time. think about that cuz you don't sound like the kind of chick who wants to dictate.

kayellejaye July 17, 2008 at 1:52 PM

Amen to what April said!

I'm so unavailable to guys it's not even funny. It drives them crazy and it makes them step their game up.

It's still hard telling them about other dates though.

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 1:57 PM

@April - thank you so much for your advice... I can dig that... but is that realistic for guys in their 20's to do stuff like that... plan head?

@nodaysoff - not taking offense at all... I am loving your take as well as everyone else's... I am learning so much...lol and didnt even expect this whim of a post unraveling so much... my problem is yes... I have dudes coming at me... personalities are great but physically they do nothing for me... am I suppose to force myself to like them when there is absolutely no physical chemistry. I have even tried that thing where we go out, hang out, and get to know each other to see if a spark will ever fly and on most occasions... one never did...

I know exactly what I wont... did my perfect man post a while back... and then got flack from all the men for being too picky... I can't win!

@April again - so then... I didn't really mean that... I would never answer the phone when I am out with someone else either... but just feel like its rubbing it in someone's face if they call asking whazup and you say your going out with another dude. He has called me when I was on my way out and I simply said I already had plans... but you and Krush are saying instead of being so vague... actually say I am going out on a date. That just feels weird to me, I just feel like he doesn't need to know that much information, but I may try it.

Stew July 17, 2008 at 2:07 PM

this is EXACTLY what confuses me about females. you never know what you want. how is a guy going to be/do everything you want, but you hate it at the same time? i just DO NOT understand.

if you say to him, "we are going here, here, and here. pick me up at 7" what is the worse thing that can happen? you know he is going to say YES, because he is obviously into you.

do you think that you are going to give him some type of power over you or something by you setting the date, time & place? he is still going to have to be a gentleman either way. that is what you need to be judging, not when and if he asks you out. that is irrelevant.

then at the end of the date you say to him "next time you set it up" its all about give and take, and i think that you are having a problem with the GIVE part.

ask the damn guy out!!!

Eb the Celeb July 17, 2008 at 2:17 PM

@ Stew - why did that come off like you were yelling at me...lol... that telling him what were are going to do is NOT going to work with him... he is a Taurus... you cant tell a Taurus what to do... just like if it was anything besides a date.. he wouldnt be able to tell me what to do...

I'm about to go look up the compatibility statistics online of the odds of 2 taurus even dating because it seems like its just going to be a tug of war... its always a power trip... we both have a complex about being told to do things... I already know this... so yes maybe I should ASK him out on a date... but your first piece of advice... definitely will NOT work.

and I dont have a problem with the GIVE part at all... I have a problem with having to tell a man ish he should already know. Like most of the women here said... ya'll are NOT dumb... just play dumb when its convenient for you...


everyone has made me realize a lot about the situation and the other guys that try to holla that I aint feeling... I may not even ask Semipro out, I may just let it go... because I see the differences in his approach and the others.


Its funny how my real life friends say I am too hard on dudes and cut them off too quick... and my blog fam tells me to cut em off quick... I'm so confused!

12kyle July 17, 2008 at 4:22 PM

@ Eb the Celeb
Ok, lil sis. Here's my .02

I agree with what everybody else has said. What's wrong with you telling him what you want??? It sounds like you're afraid of rejection? That's ok. If he's into you the way that you say that he is...he'll do what you ask.

We've had this discussion before but whussup with all this damn texting??? I mean...he's not in NY that long. You should be tryna be with him a couple times a week. And pick up the phone and call that man. I'm sure that he'd do the same. If you make a move...he will too. I know you're thinking (wimpy voice) why do i have to make the first move??? Because you have to! That's why! LOL

*steppin off the soapbox*

Rich July 17, 2008 at 4:44 PM

I'm late, but it's like this. Dudes go after the one they can't get easily. If we casual and I can get around to you, I'm going to get around to you. Plain and simple. Now the chick who "strings me along" by not taking my calls, or who seems to be not at my beck and call, that's the one I want to get with IF I'm looking to make some moves. Why? Because I'm the man, and I want to know what it is about her that keeps her from falling like all the other chicks. Cool chicks are just that -- cool. It's all good with them, you can get away with a lot -- like texting you at an party while I'm also in attendance. There is no way I would not have done a face to face even if it was for a few minutes of oogling for a chick I was digging. I need her to see I want her. She can be chilling with her girls, that's cool, but I want her to know I'm in the house, if you know what I mean. Make my presence felt.

I hate to say it, but right now you are part of the herd. It was different when he was out of town because you were the "off the beaten path" chick. Dude is too comfortable now. There is no incentive to step up, even if it's just for a date, cause he got your number.

You don't need to ask him to go out, he knows how to step to you, despite his history of women coming his way, he's not incapable of manning up.

His letting you not get too far out of site APPEARS to be a juggling method. I don't know what to tell you. I've never "kinda hunted". I either went after the chick or she was just somebody I got around to. The ones I went after I dug and I did the whole take her out on a date to try and impress her thing even if I didn't know where it was going to go, the ones I got around to were just time fillers. They were cool to talk to, get with maybe during the week, and we might even invite each other over and exchange goodies. So what made for the difference. The girls who let it be known up front that I had to come correct got treated with that level of respect. The ones who let me come over, glance at the tube and bone, for the most part didn't get the creative date. Keep in mind, I didn't go after every chick who made it known that was the route to take because some of them didn't make it out of conversation stage. In other words, there were compatibility issues that I noticed that said I didn't want to put forth that type of effort. Keep in mind, if they would have let me, I would have hit it.

Last point to drive this home:

You mentioned the movie Hitch and how he came up with creative dates for her. Did you consider that she didn't make herself available to him, which is why he felt he needed to step his game up. Remember, the bar scene, he tried his game, but she wouldn't fall. She made him come up with some new plays not fall for the same play a typical chick would fall for.

Anyway, that's my quarters worth. I'll be rambling on forever.

AroundHarlem.com July 17, 2008 at 5:10 PM

"I would never answer the phone when I am out with someone else either... but just feel like its rubbing it in someone's face if they call asking whazup and you say your going out with another dude. He has called me when I was on my way out and I simply said I already had plans..."

You wouldn't be rubbing his face in anything. You'd just be being honest.

Interestingly enough, this behavior will spark the where are we going/what are we doing conversation.

They will be curious and want to know more about the other person and why you're into them, are you into them more than them? You don't have to disclose everything but make them understand what makes you hang out with the other person more than them.

ex. We have fun together, do interesting things together, etc. They will get the hint that you want to do more than dinner and a movie or sit at home.

Also, I'm not saying go out with every guy that asks you out (the ones with no chemistry).

I don't believe in wasting valuable time with someone you know you don't want to be with. If anything, use the opportunities out with your girls to meet new men that you will have chemistry with.

one soulful negro. July 17, 2008 at 5:19 PM

i say do what you got to do for you and fuck the shit he is putting you through.
don't allow yourself to get wrapped in it anymore.
you're worth more and are so much better than that.

dessex July 17, 2008 at 5:46 PM

Generally speaking, I think most men like for women to be up front with them. You should just simply tell him that you would like for him to take you out. depending on his reaction you can tell just how much he is really feeling you.

PrettyBlack July 17, 2008 at 6:55 PM

I've been married 9 years august 21 and guess what? I'm still telling my husband what I like and don't like nd we've been together since '89. They don't know and don't remember unless you tell them.

MysTery July 17, 2008 at 7:35 PM

'I need a late 20's man that has the common sense of a late 30's man because its obvious they don't quite get it yet.'


I feel you.

The Flyyest July 17, 2008 at 7:57 PM

im going thru that right now!!!

i been tryna get with this guy for like 2 months...i think im too forward with him...he is 2 yrs yopunger but i dont think he is used to a girl thats 100 wit it!!!!

seen him last night and it was bananas!! thats all i gotta say...

this dating ish IS for the birds!!

The F$%K it List July 17, 2008 at 9:06 PM

Now I've been with my husband 17 years (married 5 this august) and I swear that if I don't say Hey don't you want to do this he is Stuck On Stupid! Example everyone in a 200 mile radius knows I love Batman, I had to tell him the other night "Don't you think we should go on a date and see batman?" His reply was Heck yeah so glad I thought of it... So there you go!

Dating or Love/Like are just like anything other aspect of your life you want it you have to go out and make it happen. It may seems to you that you are being that chick who is pressed but its not that at all, the chick who is pressed has nothing else to do ever and is trying to force some man to do something with her. You are the total opposite of that.

Lastly, I do think you like him more than you are willing to admit but I am all for casual dating, it helps you really find out who you want in your life. But be honest about it. AND NO MORE THREATS.

Pajnstl July 17, 2008 at 9:11 PM

i know 50'leven folks done already said it but i'm saying it again. just ask him or better yet, You plan the 1st date and at the end tell him next date is on him.

i.can't.complain. July 17, 2008 at 9:59 PM

eb, i totally don't see u as the "sitting at the crib type"

not at all

"this is threats, pimp... and im serious about mine... im so sincere!"

lmao.

i think u can threaten a man and still get a date

bernie mac done already told u men are scared of us

they don't pay us any attention

but, they still hold a fear of us

-1-

OG, The Original Glamazon July 18, 2008 at 6:15 AM

I guess this is where my age shows. I guess my question is why do you want the date? If you enjoy the company and time you spend together right now.

Is the date to be "dating" To be honest the men that I have been on dates with are men that I've just met. Its a double edge sword this casual thing.

TOM A and I probably haven't been on what you would consider a date, not sure how much it matters either.

I guess my thought is if you want to go on a date you ask him, asking a man on a date has nothing to do with them thinking you are too independent. I think the thought you can threaten him is the whole thinking you're a man, independent, bossy labels come from.

I think back to the dating game, and for me its more about the comfort with the person. I mean all my ex=husband did was take me out, but in the end he and I weren't comfortable. Like I said I think the real question is why going on Semipro asked date is so important to you. If its not then go on a date with the next dude if its about dating.

And what everybody else said too.

-OG

Mizrepresent July 18, 2008 at 7:34 AM

I am so loving this whole dialogue...hmmm taking notes...well i must say, not being available, not always answering that phone call, does work...but i don't usually do this to the guys i like, it's the ones i don't that keep calling. My dad told me the way it starts is the way it will end, and it will determine the type of relationship you will have...time to put Semi-Pro to the side, and put Eb first, just keep shining, keep doing you, he's looking but right now he thinks he can have you without effort. I don't think it's too late to change things around...you can always change the game.

Ms. emmotions July 18, 2008 at 8:54 AM

ROFLMAO,
eb, u really are a trip gal,
u really crack me up each time u are like this gal,

ok, why dont u try tellin him exactly wat u want i.e i want u to ask me out on a date?

take kare sista!!

Rich July 18, 2008 at 9:18 AM

Or text him, since that's ehat the two of you do and ask him -- "Why don't you ever ask me out on a real date?" Then you get to articulate what a real date is and so on. This way you get the opportunity to put it out there as well as give him the opportunity to step up. You don't have to cater to him like the other chicks by spending your time and energy setting up the date. This way, the onus is on him.

Eb the Celeb July 18, 2008 at 10:28 AM

@kyle - not afraid of rejection at all... I'll just knock him out if it dont go the way I want...lol

he'll be in NYC for a while now... he coaches in the fall so will be gon most weekends when the team has an away game but he will be in NYC for the rest of the year until his season starts in feb.



and yeah... you know I struggle with that calling a nig thing... true I should probably reach out to him more... but I aint that chick that wants to sit on the phone all the time and especially if I gotta call you... wth ever...

@Rich - Good point on that other part from the Hitch moving... operation unavailable Eb is about to get under way

@one soulful - thx, yeah I know I deserve more... but you know I'm crazy...lol, I dont like MOST dudes, so when I find one that I like a little I try to figure a way to ignore the couple things I dont like otherwise I would never spend time with the opposite sex

Its a general consensus from the married women that you have to tell a man what you want and I guess that's something I have to work on. I just can't understand why men my age dont think I (who on the outside only appear to have it all together) doesnt want to be wined and dined... isnt that common nature when you are talking to someone... why do I have to tell Semipro I want to go here and when... ugh... I am so not that kinda girl... I expect you to know... and most of the men here are saying they arent dumb and dont need to be told that if they are really feeling the girl they do it... I am hella confused

@-1- Girl you know I am NOT sitting at the crib... but I do want to spend more time with him now that he is back in town... and not the we all out and end up at the same spot or in each other's houses... I want a 1 on 1 and an unconventional place, real type date ish and from him... I can get a nice date... its getting it from the man I want to have it with that always seems to be the problem.

@OG - I think that I have gotten to learn as much as I can about him in our current situation and want to see him outside of that norm. In other situations, and see a different side of him. Maybe I am starting to get bored with our situation too and think it needs something else to keep me interested.

@Rich - Oh I'm definitely not setting up the date... so anyone who suggested that... sorry... cant take you up on that... I mean as far as I will go is initiating. Like I already have the tix to the sex museum so he needs to set up the rest... I am not spoon feeding no man... Eb the celeb dont go there.. especially for someone that aint my man... now if he was... that would be a different story but he aint... he should be working towards impressing me and me holding his hands threw the process aint impressing me.

@-1-

Monique July 18, 2008 at 10:48 AM

No you are not alone. Mr Big (an Aquarius all the way!) and I had some serious issues in the beginning. He's not quick to jump and I live by the seat of my pants. I wouldn't say you should trick him but definitely let him know that you want a real date or some quality time and that if you don't get it, you'll move on. And you need to stick to that.

Mr. Big used to do some jacked up ish and would come back and say or do something to have me melting in his arms or cooking his azz breakfast the next morning. LOL. Dig your heels into your decision, girl.

BeautyinBaltimore July 18, 2008 at 12:24 PM

I say give his ass the cold shoulder. When he calls tell him you will call him back and don't. Answer 50% his texts. If he asks why you don't return his calls or texts, tell him you were very busy or something came up. If he is persistent, then you know he really wants you. If he is flipant, well he really don't give a darn. Then you know it time for you to move on.

Keith July 18, 2008 at 3:36 PM

Some advice EB...Giving a guy an ultimatum is a sure way to drive him away...It's an ego thing.
Judging from your photos...You don't have to threaten or beg anybody for anything...Just show up,let him see what he's missing and
then arrange to not be available when he does call. He'll get the
message. If it appears he doesn't
or is playing games..Then what does that say? That says that he aint really feelin you and you know what to do then, right? keep it movin...I'm pretty sure lots of
guys are sweatin you anyway..Don't let one monkey stop your show, Ma.

Ms. Behaving July 18, 2008 at 6:23 PM

Something tells me that there's nothing I can say [at this point] that hasn't already been said...

Still couldn't resist the urge to hit up your comment box though! :-)

K@LiENTe July 18, 2008 at 7:47 PM

Yes, this dating shyt is harsh i tell ya!!! LOL good luck mamaz!!!

Mr.Slish July 20, 2008 at 1:17 PM

How did i miss out on this...lol Eb you should sent me an email about this post you know i don't read blogs everyday..lol

Remeember what I said about SEMI-PRO he's not ready...Not gonna say let him go because its quite obvious you don't want to do that so put him in a category...The see you when I see you category..lol..

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