I dont wanna like anyone else dammit



That's what I realized about myself this last 4th of July weekend. I've shaken a man of the past, but part of me still wants it to work out. I don't want to put forward the effort of getting to know anyone else. I saw what I liked and that's what I want. I constantly wish he would just get some act right, when part of me knows that nothing will ever be there. I was doing soooooooo good, 6 months and going strong, then set myself right back into dickmotizationville when I was adamant about that birthday sex. Ever since then it has been a struggle to ignore him, a struggle not to text him, a struggle not to want more of him in me even though its been 2 months since my birthday so I have no excuse for giving him any since the radius of my birthday celebration has passed.

I'm really at a point where yeah, I'll flirt with a dude at a function, but I'm really not trying to give him my number, or it going anywhere after that. I know its going to take me boning another dude to really get homie out my system but I don't want to get to know another dude to get to that point. I'm going home for a family reunion next week and contemplating giving up some booty to one of the old hometown boo's just to put an end to the nonsense one and for all. My fear is though, that even though that has worked for me in the past, this time it may not. That I'll get back to NYC and still want him, still have the urge to call him. Part of me just feels like I've worked too damn hard to break down the wall and there's a huge crack in it and one more swing and the whole thing will come tumbling down. Maybe that's just wishful thinking though.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...even though part of me is winch move the hell on. On so many levels he isn't even the type of man I want. So many things about him get on my last damn nerves...
1. His ego... lawd lawd lawd
2. He never gives a straight forward answer about anything
3. The saying he gonna do ish and not do it
4. The gameplaying... I mean I like a dude with a sense of humor and that laughs and jokes all the time because I'm goofy as hell, but his approach to it is on some borderline make me knock ya ass out ish and always when he knows I'm not in the mood to play
5. He's more open with my friends than me. Constantly putting my roommate in the middle of our ish. Always telling her ish, but won't talk to me.

I could continue to go on. Then I look at his tall, sexy, chocolate, tail and I forget all the ignoramous characteristics about him that I can't stand. My type physically from head to toe... so until I find one as sexy as him, its going to be hard to start over because I am completely content with just looking at his sexy arse. Plus he's fun, when we aren't at each other's neck, we actually enjoy each other's company, he makes me laugh, and he's driven.

The sad part is, that I've finally been able to come to grips with that I just like his raggedy arse... flaws and all. The sex ain't the "best I ever had" so its not even about dickmotization, I just want him to be mine. Its rare that I actually meet someone that I actually see myself being in a relationship with. I am so not that chick that wants and needs to have a boyfriend. So to actually see that in someone and not have it work out that way, is really starting to piss me off. Yeah my Ego comes into play sometimes too. I never said I was the easiest chick to deal with so I can understand where he may have some reservations sometimes, but that's not the point dammit!

Truth be told, I already know what I have to do. I have to get out of that mindset of wanting that old thang back. Something new is definitely what I need even though its not really what I want. Yes its going to be hard to shake him but I've done it before. Now I just have to make it a once and for all type of thing. I have to just walk away and not look back. The looking back is what gets me in trouble.

Notice how I've said the same thing over and over and over again, yeah... I'm trying to convince myself. JUST WALK AWAY EB, Just walk away!
Songs of the moment:

#1 - the song that he gonna be singing to me after I move on... watch and see... cuz I'm that biiiiaatch... JOE "The Heart Behind My Eyes"

I had to post the lyrics with this one... this song speaks to my soul


Sitting in the dark
With so many why's
How could I ignore your tears?
Or hear your cries
So many times I didn't let you win
Like a fool I walked away
Or started an argument, yeah

Why do I do the things I do
When my heart belongs to you
I failed to help you truly see
What you really mean to me
So give me a minute so I can show the way it looks before you go
The heart you own that beats in me
Hear my plea baby

Baby don't leave, please don't go
I was a fool not to show
How I really feel inside, I was scared
Cause I been hurt a time or two
But nothing compares to losing you
I'm willing to put my pride aside
To show you the heart behind my eyes

I can see you're tired
And maybe wanna be apart
I can't say that I blame you
Cause I made loving me so hard
Shorty understand that I'm just a man
Who wants to learn your love
So don't let go my hand

I've let you down so many times
It took saying goodbye to realize
How I failed to help you see
What you truly mean to me
So give me a minute, look in my eyes
So you can see deep down inside
The heart you own that beats in me
Is begging please

My heart would die inside (my heart)
If you ever said goodbye (my heart)
It's begging for you to stay
Girl I'm gunna change my ways
It wants to open up (my heart)
And give you all this trust (my heart)
Just won't give up
Please don't take your love



then the song for me in reference to moving on:
Christina Aguilera "Walk Away"
The lead in is killer... "what do you do when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go"


And in light of MJ's recent passing... a Bonus Joint

10 comments

The Jaded NYer July 7, 2009 at 9:11 AM

I don't even have advice... you know what you want and need so just go with that... the little voice inside of you knows all!

*hugs*

Kayos July 7, 2009 at 10:34 AM

I have to agree with Jaded. Ownlee Ewe know what you want and what you need. So as long as he doesn't go outside the realm of knuckleheadedness, then go for what you want!

*Hi-Five*

Thoughts of a Southern gal July 7, 2009 at 10:38 AM

Been there and got a shirt to show for it. I know how it feels thinking a person is made just for you but nothing comes of it. There will come a point when you will be able to walk away without looking back.

Have you put it all out there to him? How you feel, the things he does that pisses you off, etc...

Eb the Celeb July 7, 2009 at 10:48 AM

@Southern Gal - Oh yes we've had the ish you do that grinds my nerves convo many times... the feelings convo only once... I'm not one for repeating how I feel... let alone even telling you in the first place... so you getting me to even speak into words that I care... you need to take heed and jump on it and he didn't. Which is a big prob... cuz he knows I'm so guarded and that I let him in... so he feels he can get away with ish. Fact of the matter is he does... ish he does that I would have never spoke to a nig ever eve eva again... I cut him off for a week, maybe two and then we're back speaking... so he knows he has my head and heart and that's why he acts a fool

Miss BB is... July 7, 2009 at 10:49 AM

Eb,I seriously believe he was part of a prototype. There are things about him that are great but the other things? He can't even be respectful (for lack of a better word) when just getting to know you; really think of how he would be as a boyfriend type. And the reality is (and you've said it yourself): HE doesn't want that. As hard as it is (and you know I went through some shit last month), it don't even matter what you want because he isn't going to give it to you.

I've recently been through something so serious that it's ridiculous. But, just like Brandon (remember?) told you, it ain't gonna be over until you not only SAY it but ACT on it. You wanna get laid? If he's the only one on your plate right now, then you might have to go hungry. Are your friends REALLY friends with him? If not, they don't need to hold conversations with him. And you don't need to entertain any convos or indirect conversations about him. I'm sure you know his number by heart but maybe you should delete it. All of things, of course, when you're ready. And you're not ready now. So, you'll continue to put yourself through this until you see where you're headed - which might be a place of not being able to meet someone good for you b/c all you see is HIM.

I tell you this out of nothing but luv and cuz I'm just pulling myself out of something. If it's meant to be, maybe it will be. But that day is not today. Don't force anything because you will not be happy with the end result.

Eb the Celeb July 7, 2009 at 11:07 AM

LMAO @ Miss BB cuz ya arse know too much... I know I know... I just wanna be loved or left alone but its so damn hard to just walk away... to just let go... But dont get the game twisted... if a hunky chocolatey my type type of dude walks by I'm gonna be on the prowl, its just those aren't the type of guys that I meet. I meet the guys that I would just entertain and get to know because I'm bored with men and I'm just not in the mood to go thru the motions because of said dude here. Before I met him I was all about that... talking to dudes knowing damn well I didn't like them just for something to do. I'm at the point now where I dont want that. I want to be getting to know someone that I generally like and that's not what I'm meeting. I actually thought I'd met someone a couple weeks ago leaving a spot that could have been a new potential... he damn near hawked me down in the spot, I ignored him, and then again when we were leaving. I gave him my card. It will be 2weeks thurs and he never called. So its not like I'm completely not making efforts to move on. Just NO decent prospects.


Oh and I'm not forcing anything... you know my excuse has always been because he's younger than me that's why he wont get any get right and that maybe he'll grow out of it. So I'm definitely not rushing her because I know where my mindset was 1-2 years ago and where my priorities were and that didn't involve a relationship either. Honestly, I don't even want to like him... but you know that's the part we cant control... so I'm coping with it, trying to make sense of things... giving a lil leeway without compromising my integrity. Time shall tell... even though I feel like too much time has already been spent in this state.

xxxx July 7, 2009 at 5:36 PM

i have no advice to give.. i am in the same situation... its not even the sex its just that i love him point blank simple but its just not going anywhere and neither am i.. its hard

xxxx July 7, 2009 at 5:36 PM This comment has been removed by the author.
xxxx July 7, 2009 at 5:36 PM This comment has been removed by the author.
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