I dont wanna like anyone else dammit

I dont wanna like anyone else dammit

Labels: Datin' Sexin' Lovin'...oh my / Music / My life / RBW Relationship Talk

That's what I realized about myself this last 4th of July weekend. I've shaken a man of the past, but part of me still wants it to work out. I don't want to put forward the effort of getting to know anyone else. I saw what I liked and that's what I want. I constantly wish he would just get some act right, when part of me knows that nothing will ever be there. I was doing soooooooo good, 6 months and going strong, then set myself right back into dickmotizationville when I was adamant about that birthday sex. Ever since then it has been a struggle to ignore him, a struggle not to text him, a struggle not to want more of him in me even though its been 2 months since my birthday so I have no excuse for giving him any since the radius of my birthday celebration has passed.

I'm really at a point where yeah, I'll flirt with a dude at a function, but I'm really not trying to give him my number, or it going anywhere after that. I know its going to take me boning another dude to really get homie out my system but I don't want to get to know another dude to get to that point. I'm going home for a family reunion next week and contemplating giving up some booty to one of the old hometown boo's just to put an end to the nonsense one and for all. My fear is though, that even though that has worked for me in the past, this time it may not. That I'll get back to NYC and still want him, still have the urge to call him. Part of me just feels like I've worked too damn hard to break down the wall and there's a huge crack in it and one more swing and the whole thing will come tumbling down. Maybe that's just wishful thinking though.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...even though part of me is winch move the hell on. On so many levels he isn't even the type of man I want. So many things about him get on my last damn nerves...
1. His ego... lawd lawd lawd
2. He never gives a straight forward answer about anything
3. The saying he gonna do ish and not do it
4. The gameplaying... I mean I like a dude with a sense of humor and that laughs and jokes all the time because I'm goofy as hell, but his approach to it is on some borderline make me knock ya ass out ish and always when he knows I'm not in the mood to play
5. He's more open with my friends than me. Constantly putting my roommate in the middle of our ish. Always telling her ish, but won't talk to me.

I could continue to go on. Then I look at his tall, sexy, chocolate, tail and I forget all the ignoramous characteristics about him that I can't stand. My type physically from head to toe... so until I find one as sexy as him, its going to be hard to start over because I am completely content with just looking at his sexy arse. Plus he's fun, when we aren't at each other's neck, we actually enjoy each other's company, he makes me laugh, and he's driven.

The sad part is, that I've finally been able to come to grips with that I just like his raggedy arse... flaws and all. The sex ain't the "best I ever had" so its not even about dickmotization, I just want him to be mine. Its rare that I actually meet someone that I actually see myself being in a relationship with. I am so not that chick that wants and needs to have a boyfriend. So to actually see that in someone and not have it work out that way, is really starting to piss me off. Yeah my Ego comes into play sometimes too. I never said I was the easiest chick to deal with so I can understand where he may have some reservations sometimes, but that's not the point dammit!

Truth be told, I already know what I have to do. I have to get out of that mindset of wanting that old thang back. Something new is definitely what I need even though its not really what I want. Yes its going to be hard to shake him but I've done it before. Now I just have to make it a once and for all type of thing. I have to just walk away and not look back. The looking back is what gets me in trouble.

Notice how I've said the same thing over and over and over again, yeah... I'm trying to convince myself. JUST WALK AWAY EB, Just walk away!
Songs of the moment:

#1 - the song that he gonna be singing to me after I move on... watch and see... cuz I'm that biiiiaatch... JOE "The Heart Behind My Eyes"

I had to post the lyrics with this one... this song speaks to my soul


Sitting in the dark
With so many why's
How could I ignore your tears?
Or hear your cries
So many times I didn't let you win
Like a fool I walked away
Or started an argument, yeah

Why do I do the things I do
When my heart belongs to you
I failed to help you truly see
What you really mean to me
So give me a minute so I can show the way it looks before you go
The heart you own that beats in me
Hear my plea baby

Baby don't leave, please don't go
I was a fool not to show
How I really feel inside, I was scared
Cause I been hurt a time or two
But nothing compares to losing you
I'm willing to put my pride aside
To show you the heart behind my eyes

I can see you're tired
And maybe wanna be apart
I can't say that I blame you
Cause I made loving me so hard
Shorty understand that I'm just a man
Who wants to learn your love
So don't let go my hand

I've let you down so many times
It took saying goodbye to realize
How I failed to help you see
What you truly mean to me
So give me a minute, look in my eyes
So you can see deep down inside
The heart you own that beats in me
Is begging please

My heart would die inside (my heart)
If you ever said goodbye (my heart)
It's begging for you to stay
Girl I'm gunna change my ways
It wants to open up (my heart)
And give you all this trust (my heart)
Just won't give up
Please don't take your love



then the song for me in reference to moving on:
Christina Aguilera "Walk Away"
The lead in is killer... "what do you do when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go"


And in light of MJ's recent passing... a Bonus Joint