My 2002 poetry journey...

My 2002 poetry journey...

Labels: My life / Poetry

I regret the fact that I am so busy and don't just write for no reason anymore. Every time I write its for a magazine or website and besides my blogs I never really write just to write. Part of me has numbed my emotions to certain things over the years so most things that use to inspire me don't anymore. Last night I went in the archives. One of my old poetry journals and I realized that 2002 I had written the most poetry I've ever written in one year. Well due too. This was the end of my junior year going into my senior year of college. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, working at the radio station, and taking 21 credits that semester. Boyfriend was acting a fool (its crazy how men can make you feel like its something you did when they cheat), radio station wasn't paying enough money and taking that many credits in one semester can drive anyone crazy, so there was a lot to write about. In October of that year me and BF broke up and he moved to NYC. A month later we got back together and tried to do the long distance thing. It's just so much in between I skipped out on but hopefully sharing a couple pieces will help take you to that place. It was refreshing to go back and read these, remember where my mindset was and knowing that I've grown so much since then. That year was definitely a stressful one... so here are a couple pieces I'd like to share from 2002. They're all pretty sad so brace yourself.


Oh and before I get started I have to share this picture... I saw it on someone else's blog, I can't remember who, but it embodies everything I was feeling at that time in my life. Even though we were broken up I was still giving him the booty until like 2004.Even though he was acting a fool some things are just too good to deprive yourself of right away...lol, you have to ease out of a situation like that...hahahahahah! Let me stop I'm having flashbacks... because til this day he's still the best I've ever had.... ugh!

What am I doing to myself?

I'm playing myself
Staring dreamy-eyed at a man that will never be what I want him to be
I'm degrading myself
Having sex with a man that will never be committed to me
I'm fooling myself
To put up with this shit now in hopes that one day he will change
I'm shaming myself
He's very inconsistent while my love for him has no range
I'm belittling myself
For putting him on a pedestal and always giving in
I'm exhausting myself
For constantly running in a race I know I'll never win
I'm hurting myself
For putting my needs aside and constantly putting his first
I'm limiting myself
For looking over good guys and keeping the one that treats me the worst
I'm strengthening myself
By breaking the holds I've allowed him to put on me
I'm loving myself
For realizing I deserve better and alas I am free


Broken Dreams

Happily dormant to life, all feeling, all sound
Flying through slumber, hoping I never touch ground
Coming off that high to decipher what it means
Then living life and realizing they were broken dreams

Dreaming I'm with my man and he's holding me in his arms
Then he's down on one knee with poise and charm
Asking the big question and a big rock on my hand
Cute, loving, funny, athletic; but best of all my man

Pleasant dreams interrupted by a soft shake
First in between worlds, but now I'm awake

Dreaming he's my man, now awake and he's my ex
No more making love, just meaningless sex
hand only decorated with a class ring from '99
No matter how much I love him, I only dreamed he was mine

Closing my eyes to this slum, to life I am blind
Now numb to the world, I have fantasies to find

Relationship so strong nothing could keep us apart
Trust not even a factor because we think with our heart
Successful and rich, and in me has planted his seed
Starting a family is a destiny thing, you must take heed

Crossing my fingers wishing this dream comes true
Yet opening my eyes and our relationship is threw

Jealousy aided my true love to be chased away
Dreams remind me how it could have been if he was to stay
Life constantly reminding me of all the mistakes I made
Though I made it and am rich, I'm a lonely old maid

All I wanted out of life was a real true love
Fortunate to find it, but I lost the above
So now success is all I have to live for
I've learned to stop dreaming so my life can't break anymore


Personal Problems

48 hours without eating
Body dead but I'm still breathing
Excruciating pain in the lower abdomen
Brief upliftments, now I'm sad again
Dizziness, to black outs, to amnesia
Big white horse pills to relieve ya
When asked what I need relief from
I cry, knowing more pain will come
Stress has wrapped his arms around me
Blinded by poverty so I can't see
Past this slum to a brighter day
Not even my love is willing to stay
Abandoned by all who said they cared
Never had much, but all I had I shared
7 months to go when they thought I would fail
Wanting to be involved having sent not 1 check in the mail
Smile outside, but inside I struggle
A heap of emotions impossible to juggle
Verbally abused to make me feel like I'm nothing
Thought I had the strength to turn this agony into something
But I sit immobile, with absolutely no direction
Was once content, but now I hate my reflection
Once used those that doubted me as a step to get ahead
Now starting to wonder if there's some truth to what they said
That my dreams are too big and to pick a career more practical
Nothing enchanting in my definition of magical
Learned the art of illusion so I seemed to be alright
Once had a soul of strength but in me I've lost the fight
What will it take for me to enjoy life again?
When I'm alone, with no family, and not one friend
How do I turn this negative to positive?
When inside I feel I have no reason to live.


Dealing with your leaving

Only imagining the day that you'll be gone
and still with all my heart I miss you
Saddened heart, deep state of depression
Knowing the time will come when I can't kiss you
Every passing hour counts down your departure
I wish I had the power to stop time
While sleep, sweet dreams, but living a nightmare
Coming to the realization that you're not all mine
You have to move on and explore the world
Bless them with your addictive personality, poise, and charm
I have to let go no matter how much it hurts
Numb myself to all feeling and no one can do me harm
Without you here I have no reason to smile
You leaving takes all my joy away
Your happiness means everything, so I cope with your leaving
Even if you wanted I couldn't allow you to stay
No matter how much I hurt, this is the best thing for you
and part of me loving you is letting you go
My eyes are like waterfalls just thinking about the day
But I keep them in drought so the pain doesn't show
I'm not looking forward to losing my best friend
and on top of that the best lover I've ever had
Outside I seem fine because I'm spending time with you
but inside I'm hurting and sad
So many aspects of my life are a reminder of you
So you will forever and consistently be a part of me
A piece of my heart is on reserve for you
because together is the place for us to be
Temporary separation won't dull the chemistry we have
and this is nowhere near the end for us
Yes, while apart we'll explore other options
But what part of these relationships will we trust
Not one, because we have all we want in each other
and no one can fill the void like him
I don't know if I'm ready for this treacherous day
When my life reads this poem as verbatim
The day when I have to say bye knowing you're not coming right back
When I have to wake up and not see your face.
When I'm feeling real sexy like only you can make me feel
and you're not there to touch me in my special place
I already miss you and your still here with me
So just imagine how it will be on that day
That last hour, that last minute when all this becomes real
When I'll really show you how much I want you to stay
I'll hug you without any intentions of letting you go
and will no longer be able to hold back my tears
I'll love you the same no matter how long we're apart
I just hope its closer to days and months than years
But I'm strong and patient and don't want to stand in your way
because I admire what you plan on achieving
Content with vicarious visits and long distance conversations
Is a part of me dealing with your leaving


Copyright © 2002 by Jonesin' Enterprises
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission.


That last one was written the day that I found out that my boyfriend was leaving NC and moving back to NYC. It had always been our plan that when I graduated we were going to move back to NY together, but some things happened with his fam back home and he ended up moving in October of my senior year. Reading this reminded me of how naive I was back then. Even all the mess we had been threw with our relationship, deep down I still thought he was the one. He cheated on me when we were in the same city so I don't know why the hell I thought he would be faithful while 8 hours away. Needless to say that was a roller coaster that went from 2001-2004 (even though I had a physical slip up in 2005 that we wont talk about...lol) but I was so happy to finally completely get him out of my system in 2005 and actually start checking for dudes again because I finally came to the realization that he wasn't the one, and that I deserved better.

With personal problems, it was just too much going on at once. It probably was a time that me and the BF were broken up (and still living together, that situation was really like a soap opera) and on top of that I was trying to keep my grades up, while working and interning, and ends weren't being met with bills, so I would call home asking for money and no one would send me any. I just felt like I was all alone. I had lost all hope. I was so bitter, I remember thinking when I get rich their all going to have their hand out and I ain't giving them ish. Then I would get down on myself and be like "hell I ain't going to be rich." People in my family didn't understand why I wanted to go into entertainment or media if I didn't want to be in front of the camera. For some reason they felt that if they didn't see me that it wasn't a real job and that since I was so good in math I should be an engineer or something. But I had a different plan, and it wasn't until the weekend I graduated when they all came down, and heard me on the radio for the first time, that they finally believed in me and my dream. Well my mom always believed in me but the rest of the fam just thought I had big dreams that would never come into fruition and that I should pick a more practical career. They are the type of people that get a job when they are fresh out of high school and keep it until they retire. I was the first to graduate from college in my fam. We have a couple associate degree folks in there that went to community college but I was the first one that went to a university and finished. OK I'm rambling now so PPpppppeeeeeaaaaaacccccceeeeeee!!!