Why get married if you're going to cheat???

This is the question I asked on twitter today and I got some of the most ignorant answers I've ever heard in my life so that's why I'm coming to the blog. I'm hoping my blog fam has a little more sense than the people that follow me on twitter.

Granted this question was brought about by the Tiger Woods situation since today he finally came out and admitted to cheating, but on a bigger picture this isn't about him.

I got answers like :
No one is perfect,
religion and beliefs
certain circumstances/situations.

Does anyone here see an answer to the reason why men cheat? No because there are none there. These are excuses. There is no reason why men cheat! There is no reason for cheating on your WIFE. Not your girlfriend, I said your WIFE!!!

Then the conversation got off tangent when the idea that a man only married a chick because she got pregnant came up.


First and foremost women need to take care of themselves. Granted mistakes can happen, a condom can pop or whatever, but the majority of the time when people have unplanned pregnancies it's because they were being irresponsible with their body. YOU have to take care of YOU. I'm not saying no fault lies on the man but as a woman you have to take care of you.

But like I said, things happen, and just because you got pregnant does not mean that a man should automatically have to marry you. I do not believe in that. A child should not grow up in a home with 2 parents that are unhappy with each other and don't love each other just because they have a baby. That is just dumb and will hurt a child more than a woman being a single parent. The misconception here is that a single parent home is where the child lacks. That is not where the child lacks. The child lacks when the father isn't in their life. Just because the man isn't marrying the woman does not give him a pass to not take care of his child. Fact of the matter is if he marries her just because of the child he probably won't be home a lot anyway since he isn't in love with him situation at home. If he marries you because you got pregnant, you'll be divorced in a couple years and you'll still end up a single parent so what's the point. Anyone who believes its the responsibility of a man to marry a woman just because he got her pregnant is just ignorant.

So now that we've tackled that reason (which sadly has been the only real reason I can fathom for cheating since you married out of obligation), let's move on to the next one.












I agree with this. A lot of men do marry young...but I still don't understand the logic. Why Marry? Why are you marrying these women when you know you are not ready for that type of commitment?
Why not just have your main chick, and then mess with whoever you want on the side? Why take those vows if you know you aren't ready. Why?

And I know women cheat too but I'm not interested in women so I don't care their reasons for cheating. I want to know why men cheat and after seeing this following tweet there will never be an answer that makes sense to me.


No one made you get married so stop getting married for any other reason but than the fact that you love that woman and are ready in mind, body, and spirit to take that step. Any other reason is just uncivilized and the reason the divorce rate is so high.

On another note...

I am pissed right now because I went to my book shelf to look for Never Satisfied by Michael Baisden. It was a collection of interviews he did with different men analyzing why they cheat. I got the book back in college when I was doing radio for free because he came through the station on his book tour and the book was actually good. I wanted to be able to reference it because I didn't remember specifics and the mess was gone. Uuuggghhh so now I can't even pull anything from the book. I really can't stand when people touch my stuff and who knows if I will ever see it again. I've had too many roommates to name in the last 5 years since I've lived in this apartment so who knows who jacked my book before they moved out... I am so extremely aggravated right now.

18 comments

SoulMate Coach Crystal December 2, 2009 at 5:07 PM

I think men cheat for a variety of reasons. From the way they were raised, all the way to experiencing a life crises and everywhere in between. I think the challange for us as women to to learn to identify words and behaviors that let us know where a man stands and what he believes when it comes to infedelity. How emontionally mature is he, how does he talk about others that cheat, does he make it seem small or trivial? Does he communicate his feelings well (cause if he ain't talking about it there is a ggod chance he's somewhere acting them out)!

Because I went through infedility in my first marrige(he's deceased) that we were able to work through with counseling, marrige retreats, books, and workshops (whew! that was alot!). I learned that there where alot of things that I did'nt know or understand about my late husband. There were alot of childhood wounds that were not healed. Some of these would ran very deep. There was also an inabilty to deal with some of the challanges that came with marriage and a whole slew of other things. With alot of work we both learned alot. He learned and grew in areas that make him a stronger man and husband. He was able to learn to identify his triggers. He also learned to identify the areas in himself that he needed to continue to work on. I learned the importance of alot of the signs that I saw along the way and wrote off as "not a big deal".

I guess all in all, it really comes down to understanding yourself, on both sides. My late husband did'nt want to face his deamons and I didn't want to know about them. In a way we were both hiding out. Sometimes the things that drive us are so neatly packed away we don't even realize it's who's driving the car. Until we slam into something! I guess that's what Tiger has done literally and figuratively.. Hopefully he can gain some understanding around the choices he made and learn to make better choices in the future.

Whew! That this is long, I didn't realize I had so much to say.

Keith December 2, 2009 at 6:16 PM

I've been married twenty years...(And have a daughter the same age as you,so we've been together 28
years and married 20 of em) I can't say why one man will cheat.
You can ask five different brothers why they cheated and you'll get five different answers.
There is no one reason...Different things,different situations happen to people I guess..I don't beleive
that anybody sets out to cheat..I just think that things happen like
for instance...a curiosity that becomes an obsession or unfinished
business with someone out of the past that a guy feels he has to finish..who knows...It's never right and there is no justification for it..these are just some of the excuses disguised as reasons that I have heard guys give over the years.

I haven't cheated and I hope I don't..I've got a lot invested emotionally,finacially and what have you in my relationship, but i get your position on this...I do.

Video Vix[o]n December 2, 2009 at 8:00 PM

speaking as a boy slowly coming into manhood (and I say I'm a boy not because of my age, but as a lack of experience) and as a person who has cheated (in the past), I think men cheat because they see traits in one woman that they don't see in another, and in order to suppliment for the lack of traits that they desire, they cheat to be satisfied.

of course, that sounds too plan and simple, but that's my take on it. There is NEVER any justification to cheating, no matter what "excuse" you come up with, because in the end, they're just excuses. There can only be reasoning behind why it's done and hopefully that practice can be reversed.

The Jaded NYer December 2, 2009 at 8:13 PM

I can't concern myself with WHY a man would cheat on me, I can only concern myself with what I will do about it.

Did you notice I'm divorced? Yeah. 'nuff said.

LOL

On a serious note, I'm of the school of it takes TWO to mess up a relationship. (Now watch all the females revoke my uterus card for writing that) So if he cheated, she needs to look at what environment she helped to create to make him think it was OK to cheat.

Chase me with fiery torches if you want, but that is the truth, Ruth!

The Jaded NYer December 2, 2009 at 8:15 PM

Oh and before my judge, jury and executioners take over, my belief (on TWO ruining a relationship) also applies to why a woman cheats, OK? Thank you and good night!

Eb the Celeb December 3, 2009 at 8:42 AM

THERE IS NOT LOGIC BEHIND WHY PEOPLE CHEAT... ONL EXCUSES FOR DOING SO.

DROPS MIC!!!

(C) EB THE CELEB

jaded if you dont get out of here with that bull... "environment" psssssshh a man could have the perfect situation at home with a woman that doesn't play and knows if he gets caught will leave and will still cheat because that what happened with my mom. That's why their tail re married years later because she was the perfect wife but that doesn't mean she's going to put up with your mess. So I dont agree with you or Ruth on that one...lol

anonymousnupe December 4, 2009 at 12:31 AM

Cheating is no different from shoplifting, littering, texting while driving where it's illegal, murder, or rape as far as the reason goes: man (which includes woman) is prone to sin. In the eyes of God cheating on your spouse is the same as jaywalking. So the question you should be examining isn't why this particular transgression, but rather why do humans do ANYTHING wrong. Period. Cheating is just one example. It's just more heinous a "crime" (which it ain't in most places) to our sensibilities 'cause we have standards that are all out of whack. We should get equally indignant when someone commits a DUI, jaywalks, or deploys a WMD.

Eb the Celeb December 4, 2009 at 1:18 AM

I dont think any of the above can be compared to cheating... none of the above do you take a vow not to do... if you are going to be unfaithful DONT get married... plain and simple... getting married you make a vow and sign a contract not to do something... by doing it is a breach of contract... I bet if you had the right to sue someone everytime they cheated people wouldn't do it. No one is forcing anyone to get married in these situations and to take those vows.

Indeed no sin or greater or less than the other but none of these sins are you taking a vow not to do.

12kyle December 5, 2009 at 7:52 PM

Hole up! I posted a lonnnnng response and its not here! Damn.

I'm not gonna write it again. I'll just say this much...

When speaking about cheating, women get too emotional b/c it brings them back to the time that THEY were cheated on. Take the emotion out of it a look at the facts.

It's a sin. We all sin. We sin in THOUGHTS, WORDS, and DEEDS. None is bigger than the other. You shouldn't be surprised about infidelity when it's all around us. We listen to songs that sing about it. It is what it is.

As a married man who has been faithful, I won't condemn it. I won't uphold it. I take the emotion out of it and draw on the facts.

Eb the Celeb December 5, 2009 at 7:57 PM

aint no facts but the one that people that cant be faithful need not get married... now thank you bye bye!

clnmike December 5, 2009 at 11:43 PM

There isnt any one reason why anyone cheats so maybe it should be looked at from the angle of why did they get married in the first place.

The only thing I can think of is that they were never really ready in the first place. So much emphasis is on the traditional blueprint for relationship. You meet someone, you date, oyu get in a serious relationship, than you marry them.

Yet through out the process there is little said about self examination and understanding who you are and what you really want for self.

That is the reason why i guess they say it's better to marry an older man.

Ms. Liryc December 6, 2009 at 2:10 PM

I think ppl (men and women) cheat because they can. Given the opportunity to cheat someone will take advantage of the situation and do what they feel is best for them. Now if a person is conscious of the consequences of cheating then they would know better than to cheat on their mate or spouse. They would sit and analyze how this could hurt their significant other and not do it.. but then most ppl are about self gratification and to hell with their mate.

As for men marrying someone because their pregnant, I thought that was something done years ago. To me it feels old school if a man marries a woman out of obligation to their child. In essence what you're doing is pacifying the situation and trying to make it look good in the eyes of society instead of just doing your job and taking care of your child emotionally, spiritually and financially. Marriage isn't an answer to the pregnancy thing. Taking responsibility doesn't mean putting a ring on her finger and walking down the isle.

Ppl need to find out who they are first before they do things. If you want to roam around and be with as many ppl as you wish, fine do that.. but don't try to get married and then still do that.. cause in all truths that's selfish and inconsiderate!

Ms. Liryc December 6, 2009 at 2:13 PM

OOh and I am in total agreement with JadedNyer.. cast stones if you want but it does take TWO!!!

B. Good December 7, 2009 at 10:31 AM

anonymousnupe made a good point (if you're a believer. If you're not...then you probably missed it).

Sin is sin. Wrong is wrong. Why does anyone do "wrong"?

A man that cheats on his spouse (and vice verse) is cheating on God. It's a personal problem that man needs to address with his maker. Asking "why" is futile.

And I'll add, that while a relationship is the responsibility of the (2) parties involved...the reason a person cheats, is there's alone. We can't make/force anyone into anything. If we had that kind of power...why would we "force" them to cheat?

I certainly understand your frustration, Eb. It's ridiculous the way some people toss responsibility and accountability to the side.

Blah Blah Blah December 8, 2009 at 1:25 PM

I'm not a man, so I can't say why a man cheats...but...
People marry for a myriad of reasons...and some times those reasons aren't upon traditional. Love is not always the cause or the reason...it's sometimes not even in the equation. That goes for men and women.

Cheating is about options. The more options that are in front of you...the more likely you are to take advantage of those options. And even more so when you put yourself purposefully in situations you know can only lead to bad.
It comes down to control and integrity.

When sex is one of the main veins in our culture...it no longer is a meaningful experience...
It's like a cocktail...you have one to be social, to get a buzz and feel good, to make certain situations tolerable. Sex these days, with the amount of options in front of us, is just like an item on a drink menu.

Nique December 8, 2009 at 6:10 PM

We might as well be pondering the intricacies of the universe or the human physci. I am not fully matured as a person or a man, but I know we all know when we are giving parts of ourselves to situations (marriage) and we don’t fully explore the entire specter. In most cases we hope for the best, not to write of personal responsibility. I personally believe that 80% of people married shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. A lot of people work through it, a lot of people grow apart from it. But in my opinion marriage has about the same amount of blind faith as religion, and many people don’t fully explore and understand themselves in life, and that crosses over into commitments. We have a lot of failed endeavors in our lives; marriage is just the most important one.

-Thoughts from a family oriented person

Lynn December 8, 2009 at 10:14 PM

I forgot where I heard it but a man is gonna cheat if he wants to cheat and there is nothing you can do about it. If you are doing your duty as a wife and he is pulling his own weight, there is no need for that nonsense. But if you are doing things and he is doing things to make life stressful and questionable sometimes people feel like this is the only option. It's weak and unfortunate.

My best, Lynn

MysTery December 18, 2009 at 4:22 PM

Love that question!!

There are many reasons that people cheat. It just doesn't make it right.

Hope all has been well with you girlie!!

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