Rekindling with the "used to be"



"I used to love someone that I didn't like
We used to want to break up every other night
I used to think relationships were a lot of stress
I used to think that pain was a part of happiness
Now all that's changed since you've come my way
But I don't want us to become...
Another used to be"


Ah, the "used to be." I have heard so many people, men and women, say that someone is their ex for a reason. But people grow, people change, why can't that person that you once shared something with, and distanced yourself from for a while, end up being the love of your life. Why is it so hard for us to say, "Yes, I made a mistake, but I am a better person now, and want to give it another shot."

Now I'm not talking about you being in an abusive relationship, or a relationship where the other person cheated on you so bad that you could never trust them again. I'm talking about that person that whether you are dating someone or not, you think about them and what could have been.

Whenever I am in my own feelings I watch Love Jones. We all know this... and every time I take something new away from it. So this is how this post came about this time around.

The last scene, when Nina and Darius hadn't seen each other or spoke in a year, but she made an appoint to go to the Poetry club in hopes that he would be there... still recited a poem for him even though she didn't know he was there, and then him waiting outside for her in the rain to let her know that he still felt the same way about her.

Or better yet The Notebook. Can you be about to marry another person and realize your heart is with another? Give up that recent life you've built to go back to that person?

Does this stuff happen in real life, or do we let our pride get in the way and let bye gone's be bye gone's?

I definitely believe it happens in real life. After seeing my mother marry and divorce her first husband because he cheated, that they both remarried and had children and then year's later divorced their current spouses and remarried each other and seeing that my mother is the happiest I've ever seen her in my entire life it can definitely happen.

This first step though. Who takes the first step? Who set their pride aside and says "yo we f*cked up, but we gotta try again."

Could this be a problem African American relationships, pride and getting out of our own way to make love happen. Could God have sent us someone great, our soul mate if you will, and we messed it up?

Let's discuss the dynamic on when a past relationship should be given another shot and when it should not Also, why is it so hard for us to humble ourselves and admit when they've made a mistake if the final result will be happiness?

Hit me in the comments!

33 comments

1980 March 20, 2008 at 9:04 AM

I'm a firm believer in "she's an ex for a reason". The reality is that people rarely change, so giving that person another shot is basically a waste of time. I hate to sound so negative but I'm speaking solely from personal experience.

Miss B March 20, 2008 at 9:49 AM

I've given numerous exes other chances...only to find out that a)they actually DID NOT change or b)they changed but now they have some other issue. I'm trying to get out of that, and just stick with "he is an ex for a reason". But you think about the good times and sometimes they out weigh the bad. I think that's what it is that gets people to give that person another chance.

The Jaded NYer March 20, 2008 at 10:24 AM

I tried the whole, give an ex a try thing but, eh, it didn't work out. And I had another ex that I would've given another shot to IF he hadn't admitted to me that he cheated on his current girlfriend...I was like WHOA- I clearly dodged THAT bullet.

Let the past stay in the past; you can forgive, just don't forget and keep it moving...

FREEDOM March 20, 2008 at 10:44 AM

There are so many films out there that portray this type of forgiveness that you speak of. Even in “Two Can Play That Game”, this type of forgiveness was displayed.

I am a movie buff and if you really go back a watch all the love and romantic comedies that are out there most of those films end with people that have made mistakes owning up to their mistakes. While, that true spark of love is still lit between them fueling their love for one another.

When both persons are on the same page thus they have a greater chance in rekindling their love for one another, because they would have truly LEARNED from their mistakes and now truly VALUE the other person and are willing to set aside their OWN egos or stubbornness to claim that love back!

However, sexually betrayals are usually the ones that there are little to no remedy for because once a couple has decided to become exclusive with one another it builds a sacred bond between them and once that bond is broken it is really really hard to gain the love and trust back of their partner. There are several films out there too that portray this type of cause and effect of one’s behavior.

Dr. Gray in the book Mars in Venus on a Date gives an example of how him and his wife departed and then got back together and thus became husband and wife.

Mars and Venus on Date in my humble opinion is one of the best books out their on dating for the 21st century. Check it out if you haven’t it will indeed make the dating process more enjoyable for ALL!!!

Eb the Celeb March 20, 2008 at 10:50 AM

I so feel you FREEDOM,

The reason I posed the question is because my mom divorced her first husband because he cheated on her. They both re-married and had more kids in their new marriages and in the last 3 years both God divorces. They got back together 2 years ago and last year re-married. At first I couldnt believe it but I knew that he was my mom's real and true love and that if he hadnt cheated on her they would have always been together. But it took a lot for them to have separate lives for about 12 years and then get back together and set aside all the mistakes and get back together, and now they both are happier than I've ever seen a couple. It's kinda sickening.

dejanae March 20, 2008 at 11:16 AM

i think its aiight to give it a second shot if the reason for the breakup had nothing to do with trust
stuff like
goin to school
war
growing apart
or lil dumb shit that u now realize wasnt even that big of a deal
if u've got regrets that bad, better to give it a go and know for sure
It MIGHT JUST WORK OUT FORYA
OR NOT
but that's life

Shai March 20, 2008 at 12:14 PM

Wow! That is amazing Eb. How did it feel watching your parents get back together? My daughter cringes at the possibility of her parents getting back together. I cringe too. LOL.

Eb the Celeb March 20, 2008 at 12:23 PM

@ Shai - It wasnt my father... my mom had me in HS... it was my little brother and sisters father and he treated me like I was his daughter as well. All I ever wanted was for my mom to be happy... and although I was like 4 or 5 I remembered how happy she used to be when they were together. It was good to see my mom smile again after going threw that crazy divorce. I know they both grew a lot remarrying other people and having other kids and it makes their relationship now that much stronger that I know in my heart they will be together for the rest of their lives and that's what we all look for is that lifetime love.

Both of them being able to let the past go and start over is what really gives me hope. Otherwise I would have given up on men a long time ago and become gay...LOL...j/k

DollFace March 20, 2008 at 12:52 PM

I agree with Dejanae. Sometimes you just meet someone at the wrong time. Most of us weren't ready for "happily ever after" in our college days, therefore there was nothing left to do but breakup with that guy or girl. I don't see anything wrong with re-visiting the past. Either you will find what you're looking for or be able to close a chapter from the past

Jackie Edwards March 20, 2008 at 1:15 PM

Sometimes I think that people do let their pride get in the way of them going back to rekindle a relationship that they KNOW in their heart of hearts was the one that got away. But the only thing u can say about that is, if they are not willing enough and humble enough to admit that things could be worked out, then maybe the relationship didn't mean enough to them after all!!

Seven March 20, 2008 at 1:19 PM

I haven't had any successful outcomes with getting back together. SA and I could never get it right so I recently ended that tango. I was dating another dude for about a year and he just all of a sudden went MIA. His excuse was the distance. I don't know if that was a valid excuse but he just cut me off cold turkey and wanted to try again a year later. I loved him and considered it. However, we grew too far apart and I didn't want to be involved. Then there was the fact that I never really got over the hurt, he never wanted to address it, and his approach (trying to pick up where he left off) didn't feel right.

Ticia March 20, 2008 at 1:51 PM

When its over - its over!! I am done!

----------- I hope....
Nope, I a sure---

Its over!

swag_ambassador March 20, 2008 at 2:08 PM

Ive always lived by the creed that if for some reason I ended something with someone, theres really no reason to go back. Probably because I have a father/mother who have been married for 30 years and are still going strong, or maybe because I believe that if it isnt meant to be, then it wasnt meant to keep going.
Ive had 2 real girlfriends in my life, and both ended abruptly. We didnt go through the stage of kickin it for a month after to try and work things out, (only to always end up havin sex and really not resolving anything but our sensual desires, thus leaving the party who had more to lose in the situation more hurt) they just ended, and that was that.
Ive been in the situation where "well maybe this aint the right time for us", and no matter how good it sounds, or no matter how I would hope that just like lovehall and nina worked it out, it would do the same, it didnt.. all it was was a "pre" ritual to completley break it off. I dont really believe in 2nd chances, I take it as lesson learned, keep it movin. cold hearted? maybe.. but, fool me once...

Lady Cameleon March 20, 2008 at 2:46 PM

Okay so finally ima comment on your relationship blogs...and here is my outlook............Belief is the foundation and force behind everything....When you believe a certain way ....like i believe this or that because of experience in life or it was the way i was raised...you will go into all relationships holding on to that belief...this means if you have the same beliefs you had the first time you broke up ....when you tryna rekindle then OBVIOUSLY it aint gone work....this is in the example of an abusive men, he beats a woman cause he "believes" he is "superior to her" and he has the right to, another example is in religious upbringing if you feel this is right or this is wrong you gone carry that into a relationship.....line on the bottom is if people dont take a look at they beliefs and evaluate if thats the reason for they behavior in a relationship....then they'll continue to be break ups and divorces. This is how we come to have standards for the men or women of our choice....Ive learned alot through my experiences this past year...and now i understand why certain things just dont work....but the question is now will I change my beliefs in order to make a relationship work???? Holla at me EB and let me know something????

1/3 of what I used to be March 20, 2008 at 3:33 PM

well this one hits a chord with me. I think you can get back with someone from your past if it was circumstanial reasons(ie., moving away or miscommunication) but once trust is gone I dont think that relationship should be rekindled. Whats a relationship without trust. The second guessing will drive you crazy so I think it best to leave that situation alone.

I can admit to my mistakes but I found that some of my exes had problem with doing the same. Why I always got to be wrong? was my main complaint lol.

Anyway, I'm liking your perspective on relationships. Obviously there is alot I still need to learn lol

B_More BAP Life March 20, 2008 at 6:15 PM

Could God have sent us someone great, our soul mate if you will, and we messed it up?

Hmmmm....It's possible, but I believe that everything that happens was meant to be and has a purpose. All those past loves just didn't work and I don't think I'll ever revisit them.

mp1 v.8.0 March 20, 2008 at 6:59 PM

Off topic, but I'm mad that you got the "No Bitch assness" pic above the "God aint done with me yet" pic.
That's mad funny!

Muze March 20, 2008 at 7:24 PM

lol @ mp1 ^^^

man eb, you have really been killing it with the relationship blogs this week! i have to go back all of them now...be back. forgive me for the late commenting.

Mizrepresent March 20, 2008 at 7:28 PM

I have to say pride gets in the way of many of these relationships when everything was going right, and then there was a wrong, or a perceived wrong. If both parties aren't on the same page, no amount of pleading, and knowing that you could have had the best thing can be achieved in this atmosphere. Then, it's time to move on, and trust and believe that either the time isn't right, or the mate isn't right. The onset of love shouldn't be that difficult, when we fall, we fall, and from there we want to build...if in the building process the relationship fails, and you two go your separate ways, no matter how much you want each other you still have to revisit the "fall". That's what happened with your mom and her husband...it can work, but both have to first believe, then seek, and put into action that which they believe. Relationships like these that are sustaining even after the fall also give me hope. My fall with my ex, was beyond repair, we tried it twice and it didn't work, so i've let go with no regrets, but i also have a love in mind that won't fail.

The Diva's Thoughts March 20, 2008 at 7:59 PM

Girl you ask som really great questions and I wish I knew the answer to them.

Life and relationships get so complicated that its hard to know what the right thing to do is. We don't know how we'd be received if we open ourselves up. Will we get ridiculed? The heart is just too fragile.

LadyWritesTheBlues March 20, 2008 at 8:12 PM

I think it really depends on why the two people split.

I dated my husband in college. We broke up (we were young, about 20), but we saw each other years later. We ened up dating again and later getting married.

HOWEVER, I can say that if it had've been an unhealthy relationship, it would have NEVER worked!!! I think we were both open to each other because there was not drama surrounding the first time we dated. Some situations need to be left in the past! I've had some relationships that I wouldn't even consider revisited because of the level of disrespect.

MissChriss March 20, 2008 at 9:10 PM

Thanks for stopping by my blog!! Yes, I do see a lot of similarities in us...spooky. I see you blog about my favorite topic ....relationships! I'll be back and don't be a stranger.

http://www.misschriss.wordpress.com

Desy March 20, 2008 at 9:57 PM

i've never been able to go back- even though i don't really think i would be against it if i did feel the desire too. for whatever reason, when i'm over you, i am over you and that's it. i don't really rewind.... oh well... i'll continue on my search

mp1 v.8.0 March 20, 2008 at 10:01 PM

so what you saying is you're playing games with us? Trying to check our attentions and whatnot!?

Well, I'm glad I'm up to par! Loves ya too Ms. Eb

Tenacious March 20, 2008 at 10:43 PM

:) You can still ask ?s Eb :)

soumynona March 20, 2008 at 11:31 PM

So why do I feel like we just broke up =>
Dear Ebony! I am sorry for the wrongs I've done
For real, for real, humility is a huge issue in relationships and sometimes it escapes me but for you Eb I'll apologize

Clever Elsie March 21, 2008 at 11:21 AM

Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog!

I once read that about 60% of couples who get back together end up marrying. I don't know how accurate that was, but it's interesting.

I've gotten back together with a couple of my exes, and although it didn't work out in the end either time, I felt like we had more closure the second time around.

My take on it is that if you want to give it another try with an ex, you should. But just don't expect miracles. One way or the other, at least you'll get something resolved.

G-Sweet March 21, 2008 at 4:39 PM

I feel like the whole "get back 2gether" situation happens because:

#1... ur familiar and to some extent u should be comfortable with that person, its not a total stranger you have to learn and get to know.

#2... u have a chance recognize what its like without that person whether it be good or bad... but u have the chance to see what ur missing.

I personally did the get back 2gether thing with my ex a few years ago... and then we split again.. Thennnn got back together and I we just sat down and agreed that if it didn't work that time we would SERIOUSLY go our seperate ways... and that's what we did... not on bad terms but on understanding terms... I got love fa my ex... but that chapter is closed and tats fine with me. Life goes on...

As for the last relationships (non-girlfriend) I've had since then... one in particular stands out because, in the time I was dealing with her there was no drama, no bs, and she had more positive traits than a lot of women that I've met after her but we went our seperate ways and now I see the positives and negatives of not dealing with her and I can say she's a person I'd give another chance to.

So yes I believe in 2nd chances... as long as there is no foul play.

G-Sweet March 21, 2008 at 4:40 PM

I feel like the whole "get back 2gether" situation happens because:

#1... ur familiar and to some extent u should be comfortable with that person, its not a total stranger you have to learn and get to know.

#2... u have a chance recognize what its like without that person whether it be good or bad... but u have the chance to see what ur missing.

I personally did the get back 2gether thing with my ex a few years ago... and then we split again.. Thennnn got back together and I we just sat down and agreed that if it didn't work that time we would SERIOUSLY go our seperate ways... and that's what we did... not on bad terms but on understanding terms... I got love fa my ex... but that chapter is closed and tats fine with me. Life goes on...

As for the last relationships (non-girlfriend) I've had since then... one in particular stands out because, in the time I was dealing with her there was no drama, no bs, and she had more positive traits than a lot of women that I've met after her but we went our seperate ways and now I see the positives and negatives of not dealing with her and I can say she's a person I'd give another chance to.

So yes I believe in 2nd chances... as long as there is no foul play.

karrie b. March 21, 2008 at 10:17 PM

i think we should all catch jungle fever and call it a day.

-KB

Qucifer March 22, 2008 at 12:32 AM

No Ma'am, No ma'am, Hell NO ma'am, i'm a pretty placid person once i'm in a relationship, and guys know once i'm with them, i'm with them, no drama no b.s so if in fact we break up with my standard rules(this every guy knows ahead of time: no cheating and if we're done don't ever seek me out or call me again, is just not an option)


Then is is for a reason and you BEST believe I am not revisiting

i.can't.complain. March 22, 2008 at 2:12 AM

if i told u what i did this week

u would KNOW i would be totally biased in answering this one, E.

-1-

Sherri March 24, 2008 at 1:36 PM

the issue here is emotional health.
in order to love, receive love and recognize love one has to be in good emotional health.

my dad just admitted that my mum's the only woman he 's ever loved. he claims he was very scared of his feelings for her, so he treated her badly!

there def was also a cultural element at play too.

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