LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER ~ You think you know what you want...but you have no idea

LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER ~ You think you know what you want...but you have no idea

"You make lists in your head about what you want in a lover, like brown hair and a sweet voice. A sharp mind and a soft heart, a sense of humor that actually makes you laugh like you mean it. This and that. And it's all bullshit. Because people aren't lists. And I've always wanted to be the person who made someone realize that. I want to come across someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am, and I want to show them what they didn't even know they were looking for. People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves. Nobody really knows what or who they want. Not until it's right in front of them" - Marianna Paige.


Partly agree! I know the what but I have no idea of the who. I've always known what I want when it comes to career but when it comes to relationships I have never taken those wants seriously. I have always been the above girl. Never wanted it easy. Loved the challenge of making someone that I know I am completely incompatible with and/or not my type fall for the kid. Making the one who boasts about never dating a chick that is loud reveal that he undercover likes it (especially when sports are on), or making the one boasting about independent women being overrated being elated that he has someone that doesn't need anything from him. I have been able to make the one that I never really wanted like me and then when the chase is gone I'm no longer interested. I didn't do it for sport though or on purpose. We were just both in places in life where were weren't looking for anything and he happened to fall when I was still just looking to have fun. It wasn't my life mission to prove to men that what they think they want might not always be what they need but it has turned out that way a couple times.

I think reading the above quote finally made me realize that although I always had a list but would cheat on that list at the drop of a dime that that too was having a list. Purposely dating what was not on my list to psych myself out from really taking anyone seriously was just easier. When it became stale or just flat out didn't work I could always say, well he wasn't even my type anyway but what if cheating on my list was subconsciously really my list? 

I had to ask myself this when one came along that was so sure of himself and adamant about me being the furthest thing from his type. Yet he still entertained me. So my ego took over and kinda subtly made it my life mission to convince him that what I am is what he needs and not what he thinks he wants or has been with. What initially seemed like fun and games and innocent flirting between both of us, somehow led to me liking this kid even though he wasn't available. Also the furthest thing from my type. Swag is on zero, I think he's corny more times then I think he's cute. Plus this cute thing is completely new because I'm not even convinced of that since I usually date the dude I think is sexy not the one I think is cute. Cute makes me think of a begging puppy. So initially I bury the transition of feelings because again he's not available and he's really, really not my type and even though I have my mind set on the fact that I'm what he wants and needs, was he really what I want and need? Still not really knowing him because the person he was/is with and around me may not be the same person he is with someone who he actually feels is his type.

So now the normal nonchalant dating with others becomes a problem because if I am able to convince this one I would actually keep him around. So I find myself while in the process of just having fun changing dudes mindsets, that I finally fell for one that I always felt was unattainable and coming to the realization that he just might very well be unattainable. I haven't given up on him just yet but I am on my last leg of trying.

So did I just play myself in reverse? Allowing myself to like a person that would never seriously date me because I'm not that cookie cutter clean image of what he imagined his wife to be. I was OK with the game of it until "like" entered the picture but now I've seriously convinced myself that I'm what he needs. That I make him better and the type of woman he thinks he wants isn't going to elevate him to the place he wants and needs to be. My ego is on front street and the excerpt below only added fuel to the fire:

 "I want to come across someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am.."

I can honestly say I want that and this person to have the revelation that this line eludes to. Then just like that he becomes available so the saga continues...because what if I never win over the one I really want that is not my type even though he's newly single? Or what if my like is only fueled by me not believing it could actually happen and then I'm over it faster then any of the others if/when he makes himself completely available to me? After all this reflection I feel like I am right back where I started with no answers and I hate that the solution lies in the hands of someone else's actions. If he does act, and I realize it isn't a pump fake like, am I even really ready to open up my heart though? No matter who I end up with that is going to be the super killer of my need. Needing him to make me realize I can love again because it's been so long I'm not convinced, and don't even think I remember what it feels like to recognize it.

According to Mike Dooley... the heart is the key to knowing yourself and what you want.

“The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.”

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