The Patrons of 2012's Past

I'm so glad I have a great sense of humor. The situations that I have encountered with men in my lifetime I should definitely be bitter, scorn & the epitome of the angry black woman. Either professing I'm turning gay or being the leader of the club that black men ain't shit but nope I just laugh.

So since I haven't really been posting here as often as I should let's review my men of 2012 right quick.

Anyone that knows me knows I do a man dump at the end of the year. If you are a man I've met before labor day & I don't like the way things are going by the end of the year you don't make it in my phone or life in the new year so the top of the year for Eb is always slow. I haven't had a Valentine because of this since the last time I had a bf & that was 2008.

Anywho this year I actually met a guy on Valentines Day. Construction worker outside my job. I'm rushing in my building late as hell as he grabs my arm. Now I'm the type of chick that speaks to no strangers on the street so the idea of having one touching me will get you slapped but just as I turned around to cuss him out I lost my breath at how fine he was. Laawwwdamercy. Even covered in dirt from his construction clothes that brolic physique, big brown eyes and heart shaped lips & all I could hear in the background was that Beyonce' song when she's talking about "he had me at hello." Fool definitely had me at hello but I'm a G so I had to hold my composure & put him through the normal questions.



How old are you?
33

Do you live at home with your momma?

(Now if you live outside of NYC you might find this strange but many men... Esp the ones in BK who I have a weakness for" live at home with their mommas until they move in with their girlfriends. They think living in the bottom floor of their mommas brownstone is having their own apt & it's not)

"Why would you ask that you see I have a job."

How many kids to you have?

Whoa what makes you think I have kids? Shouldn't you ask if I have any first.

I respond the question isn't if you do its how many.

He laughs and says 1, a girl.

So he goes can I ask you a question now. And asks for my # and it began. The convo was everything. The dates were beyond fun. We spent just about every weekend together from february-april
and I was happy to be liking someone. I'm not picky but there are very few men that make me tick and this nigga had me purrring.

Do you know I was just getting ready to give this nigga some (I don't even go by no 90day rule or anything it has to feel right & it took 2 months to feel right) I had already seen the peen, we had done everything but up to this point so I was ready to seal the deal. I call this fool on a Friday night and do you know he must have thought he pushed end & he pushed talk & I heard this nigga fucking another chick?!?!?

Son my first instinct was to record the shit. Definitely didn't hang up bwahahaha.

I wasn't even mad though. We weren't exclusive and its a given if you aren't boning a guy he is getting it from somewhere else but can you not be so sloppy about it.

But no this story gets worse. I didn't mention this I just put him on ice. Then shit start getting weird where he never calls me from his house anymore. Long story short the entire time this nigga was married. Separated from his wife and living with his grandparents and decided him and wife were gonna get back together for their daughter.

Mind you I too found out he was married from overhearing a convo him and the wife was having because again but this time his phone called me by mistake. Just dumb.

So next time I guess I should ask if they are married & live with their grandparents before giving out my number. SMDH!

The summer I made the appoint to just be a flirt and not take anyone seriously after that shit so no point in mentioning any of the boys from those months.

Then this fake industry dude had a crush. I don't date industry dudes so I didn't take him serious. Especially fake industry dudes that wanna be down but when I ask them lie about it. So this was already a sign to keep him at arm's length. The attention was cute and he can dance so it was good enough for a flirtationship. Found out along the way he has soft lips and he sent me a dick pic and everything was on the up and up. Still not taking him seriously though because he's fake industry.

Then the one I been waiting for for 4 yrs turns out single & I lost my damn mind. Stiff ass lawyer that I met years ago always in industry events wearing suits looking like a straight cornball but something about him tugged at my spirit. Til this day my friends don't understand why I like(d) him because he is the furthest thing from my type but maybe the reason I'm single is because my type ain't shit so I keep my crush for him tucked away. We became friends (so I thought) and flirted on plenty occassions but it never went further then that because of course he had a girl.

So I saw him out... Hoodie, drinking, smoking and this lame lawyer who I found a sparkle in turned into a man I wanna rape on sight. Never seen him smoke in all those years and he rarely drinks. And to catch him in a hoodie?!?!? He knew I was open. Nigga called me at 3am tombout come over and I jumped up & said I am on the way. With no damn shame in my game. Hell I been waiting on this peen for 4 yrs. I was gonna be there.

All this hoopla made the fake industry boy soooo jealous. He never seen me act like that over any dude. Hell I haven't seen myself act that way. I was hella geeked. Asking me all these questions. Questioning if he even had a chance. I felt bad but I had a 1 track mind at this point.

So I get over there nothing happens. We wake up the next morning and try to make shit happen but dude cant get it up tombout the idea of a condom got him soft cuz he's had a girl the past couple yrs and not used to using them.

I'm fine. Let me be on my merry way. Part of me was like I shouldn't be boning this dude anyway.

2 days later I see this fool commenting about almost falling into some ratchet pussy and I flip the hell out. I know he couldn't have been talking about me. No way.

I was soooo perplexed at the comment that I had to refer to the urban dictionary so I could be 100% sure that this wasn't me. I have always taken pride in being selective with who I bone. Every girl has the 1 ho year early in life after a bad break up cuz you need that ego bounceback but trust the carfax on my coochie is few and far between.

Urban dictionary says:
RATCHET PUSSY usually is a Pretty Chick Who guys thirst over Only to find out her pussy isnt all that due to how many guys easly got that pussy with Small Bribes (I.E weed, drinks, cash, Jewely, sneakers) or who just fucks guys for free on the low and then get dissed after that.

So I was like yeah that definitely isn't me & I go to twitter subliminaling cuz that's what I do. Don't try to play Eb and think it
will end well. So this nigga really thinks because I made it easy for him every nigga gets it that easy? I could not believe this shit. Especially from a nigga that was supposedly my friend.

So I consult my homies & they're like Eb don't spaz he's probably not talking about you. But I haven't heard from his since so that proves otherwise. How a bitch get pinned for ratchet pussy when my sex life is non-existent? How that work?!?!

Mind you none of these men from 2012 have I boned. ALMOST doesn't count so it was hilarious to me that Eb out of all the women he knows could be put in the same sentence as "ratchet pussy."

My 2012 sex life is a whole nother blog post that would be empty.

Now I feel bad for making fake industry feel like he wasn't shit (not directly or on purpose) but still so I'm like let me be nice to the kid & start taking him seriously. Especially since he has a team of people in his corner telling me to give him a shot. So I'm being nice to the kid and now he must feel like his shit don't stank because the energy is different and I don't have time so I'm off that now too!

Oh did I mention all of these men are Virgos. I swear they are going to be the death of me. The man who I thought was THE 1 who I had a relationship with for years that was so tight that we lived together was a virgo and we see that shit didn't last so I don't know why I repeatedly let these fools tug at my heart. *le sigh* definitely ready for a new year of men and a new damn sign to play with!!! C'mon 2013 bring me something good! And a fine tall chill ass white boy. I am long overdue with getting my swirl on.

4 comments

The Jaded NYer December 31, 2012 at 1:10 AM

LAWD you're CRAY-ZEEEE! I miss these sort of posts from you!

Lucy Chihandae January 1, 2013 at 5:11 AM

first time here and wow....i think every woman across the universe has had her share of absolute dicks and the good men are so few and far between the dicks and bitterness you get.. have a fab new year and meet an amazing white dude...

Demetria Irwin January 2, 2013 at 5:07 PM

My favorite part: "(Now if you live outside of NYC you might find this strange but many men... Esp the ones in BK who I have a weakness for" live at home with their mommas until they move in with their girlfriends. They think living in the bottom floor of their mommas brownstone is having their own apt & it's not)"

LMAO!!! Wheeeeew! I had to wipe away tears!

BareFoot Countessa February 1, 2013 at 7:09 PM

LMFAO you are detective columbo I love it ......oh lawrdy you smitten by the Virgo man too?.....I was married to one divorced him only to end up dating another 3 aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh

Help keep this site up and running


and be sure to follow @thegirthpodcast instagram for hilarious sex memes and on twitter episode highlights and daily sex articles.

My Renaissance People aka Blog Subscribers